Episode 145 - The Little Jerry
pc: 811, season 8, episode 11
Broadcast date: January 9, 1997

Written by Jennifer Crittenden
Directed by Andy Ackerman

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The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

John Michael Higgins ........ Kurt
Miguel Sandoval ................. Marcelino
Andrea Bendewald ............ Celia
Kathryn Joosten ................ Betsy
Paul Perri ............................. Detective Banner (Detective #1)
Al White .............................. Detective Udewitz (Detective #2)
Ray Proscia ......................... Prison Guard
rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld
rc: Liz Sheridan ................. Helen Seinfeld

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[Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.]

JERRY: So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came.

ELAINE: I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait?

JERRY: Five minutes.

ELAINE: Five minutes? That's it?

JERRY: What's the difference? You never showed up.

ELAINE: I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes.

JERRY: Well, we barely knew the guy.

ELAINE: So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.

JERRY: That's the way it works.

ELAINE: When did you tell George to be here?

JERRY: I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?

ELAINE: About five.

JERRY: That's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.)

GEORGE (looks at his watch): Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold.



[Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop.]

KRAMER: So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega.

JERRY: How did you know about that?

KRAMER: Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks.

JERRY: He can't do that.

KRAMER (sternly): It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself.

(George enters and sits down.)

GEORGE: Fantastic day! Fantastic!

JERRY: What happened?

GEORGE: (laughs - hehe) Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.

JERRY: Fantastic.

GEORGE: Then, I'm at The Foundation...

JERRY: You're still doing that?

GEORGE: Sometimes, once in a while.

JERRY: When you feel guilty.

GEORGE: No, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway, they made this large donation, to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out.

KRAMER: That's caged heat.

GEORGE: Yeah-hah!

JERRY: What are you gonna do there?

GEORGE: Nothing really, you know...just eh, stroll around the cell blocks, maybe eh, take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey eh, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?

JERRY: Yes, I know, I know.

GEORGE: I noticed you eh, chose the eh "clowns with balloons" check design.

JERRY: It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones.

(Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.)

ELAINE: Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and Kramer.

KRAMER: Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.

KURT: Uh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.

KRAMER: Yes! These are sweatshop eggs.

(Kramer gets up to leave by climbing over the back of the booth. He loses it and falls on the floor, then regains his composure and walks out with his napkin still tucked in his collar.)

KURT (to Elaine): Ah, I gotta call the office. Honey, will you order for me?

ELAINE (sitting down): I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh?

JERRY: Is he from the future?

ELAINE: No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy.

GEORGE: Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. (Points to his head.) This is guts.

ELAINE: What? Clinging to some scraps?

GEORGE: These are not "scraps." These are historic remains of a once Great Society of Hair.

ELAINE: Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced a clown check!



[The Bodega, starts with a shot of Marcelino's cash register with Jerry's clown check attached under a sign that reads "checks no longer accepted from:".]

Check #1246, dated Dec. 15 ‘96, Made out to: Columbus Deli for $40.00
City Trust and Savings Bank, Main Branch, Corner Third and Main -- numbers at the bottom of the check - routing #2327619641 271098 Account #315319510)

JERRY: Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino.

MARCELINO: People seem to like the clowns.

JERRY (takes out his wallet): Look, let me just give you the forty, plus another twenty for your trouble.

MARCELINO: 'Kay.

JERRY (turning to leave): Aren't you going to take the check down?

MARCELINO: Sorry, no. It's store policy.

JERRY: But it's your bodega.

MARCELINO: Even I am not above the policy.

(Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.)



[George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the "warden."]

BETSY: Those are our tennis courts.

GEORGE: Tennis courts? W-w-what about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights?

BETSY: There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum security facility.

GEORGE: Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in "the box"?

BETSY: No.

GEORGE (to himself): This prison stinks.

BETSY: And finally, the library, which has just been refurbished thanks to your generous donation. This is Celia Morgan, our librarian.

CELIA: Nice to meet you.

BETSY: I'll be in my office if you need me.

GEORGE: Thanks, Warden.

BETSY (sweetly): Betsy.

GEORGE (disappointed): Betsy.

CELIA: So, are you the head of the foundation?

GEORGE: Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. (Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So you two uh, shop at the same store, (hu)?

CELIA: No, it's standard issue.

GEORGE: Oh my God...You're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool!



[Jerry's apartment later that day.]

JERRY: You asked her out?

GEORGE: Well...not "out." She's a prisoner.

JERRY: How could you ask her out?

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge!

GEORGE: That was different!

JERRY: I'll say.

GEORGE: Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. An-and you know how you live in fear of the pop-in?

JERRY (shudders): The pop-in.

GEORGE: Yeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood," no "I saw your light was on." And the best part is, if things go really well...

JERRY: Conjugal visit?

GEORGE (giddy): Don't jinx it! Don't jinx (trails off quietly in elation)

(Kramer enters carrying a couple plastic grocery bags.)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Hey.

KRAMER: What's up?

JERRY: George is dating a convict.

KRAMER: Oh? What's she in for? (putting groceries in the fridge)

GEORGE: Embezzlement.

KRAMER (approvingly): Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.

JERRY: Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?

KRAMER: Well, not here.

(Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag of chicken feed.)

KRAMER: Okay (lifting the bag and carrying it into the apt.)

JERRY: Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?

KRAMER: Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.)

JERRY: I sense something is afoot.

(Kramer closes the fridge and brushes hands together 3 times, done with his task)

KRAMER: Yeah, I bought a chicken.

(Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.)

GEORGE: Allow me. Why?

KRAMER: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.

(George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.)

JERRY: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

KRAMER: No (throws hand in the air and turns and looks back at Jerry)



[Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay a delivery guy for some food.]

KURT: Hold it, hold it, hold it, here, I got it. Catch. (Tosses his wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery guy.)

ELAINE: Hm. (looking at Kurt's driver's license photo) Hey, driver's license. Oh...my God.

KURT: What?

ELAINE: Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was.

KURT: Well, it still is. I shave my head for my swim team. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it.

ELAINE: Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? I mean wi..with you under it? (Kurt shrugs.)



[Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster crowing.]

JERRY: (sits up in bed) Oh what...

( Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door - he is bleary-eyed. Quiet clucking can be heard through the door. Kramer answers the door with a rooster under his arm. )

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?

KRAMER: Oh, Jerry loves the morning.

JERRY: Who?

KRAMER: Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.

JERRY: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not, a chicken.

KRAMER: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.

JERRY: Well, you picked out a rooster.

KRAMER: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.

(Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little Jerry upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...The rooster quietly clucks a bit more)



[George visiting Celia at the prison. They sit together at a table outside.]

CELIA: This was fun.

GEORGE: Yeah. I had a great time.

GUARD: Five minutes, Mr. Costanza.

GEORGE: The whole hour just flew by. (laughs - hehe) (Begins cleaning up the table.)

GUARD: I'll get that.

GEORGE: Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four days.

CELIA: Yeah. Go out and have a ball with the guys. I'll be waiting right here for you.

GEORGE: Of course you will. (quick chuckle). You're the best. (with a light fist motion across her chin)

CELIA: Hmm



[Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings.]

JERRY: Hello?

HELEN (in Florida with Morty): Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced check. Are you having money problems?

JERRY: I'm not having money problems.

HELEN: Enough with the comedy! You're very clever, you should look into advertising.

MORTY: He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone!

JERRY: I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine!

(George enters.)

HELEN: That's it. I'm gonna to send you fifty dollars.

JERRY: You are NOT sending me fifty dollars!

HELEN: We're sending you fifty dollars! Morty, get me an envelope.

JERRY (angrily): I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are gonna be so sorry!

MORTY: I don't see envelopes!

HELEN: They're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.) Show you...

JERRY: Ma! Ma! MAAA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.) Oh, ahhhh (sighs quietly)

GEORGE: How're the folks?

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: So? Movie tonight?

JERRY: I thought you were going out with Celia?

GEORGE: I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated!

JERRY: Having her in jail.

GEORGE: The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now.

JERRY: Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's license to Jerry.) Take a look at that.

JERRY: Huh. Kurt's an organ donor.

ELAINE: No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair.

(George overhears and stands up, concerned.)

JERRY: So he just shaves his head for no reason?

GEORGE: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

ELAINE: And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine. (clutches the photo between her hands and to her chest then looks at it again)

JERRY: It's just hair.

ELAINE: It's not just hair! Look!

(Shows Kurt's license to Jerry again.)

JERRY: It's brown.

ELAINE: It's chestnut with auburn highlights!

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: You're not around women. You don't know how important a man's hair is.

(They both look at George, who is reading a newspaper and struggling to keep his composure.)

ELAINE: I'm sorry, George, but it's true.

GEORGE (close to tears): I knew it.



[Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street on a leash. The rooster is clucking. He goes into Marcelino's]

MARCELINO: Hey, Kramer.

KRAMER: Yeah (quietly)

MARCELINO: Nice rooster.

KRAMER: Yeah (again quietly)

MARCELINO: What's his name?

KRAMER: Ah, well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.

MARCELINO: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce checks? (laughs)

KRAMER: Look, can't you take Jerry's check down?

MARCELINO: Sorry Kramer, can't help you.

(A guy walks into the bodega with his little dog. The dog (barks - ruff ruff) and Little Jerry get into a tussle (the dog cries) and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.')

KRAMER: Hey, hey Jerry, come on. Sorry.

MARCELINO (impressed): I like the way he handles himself.

KRAMER: Oh yeah (quietly)

(Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer realizes it and turns him around the right way -- petting Little Jerry as he clucks and flaps his wings)



[Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment.]

ELAINE: Ohhh, it's coming in already!

KURT: Yeah (quietly)

ELAINE: Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here. Huh...

KURT: What?

ELAINE: Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here.

KURT: What do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom to look in the mirror.)

ELAINE: Well, I don't know... h- how long have you been shaving your head for?

KURT (from the bedroom): About three years.

ELAINE: Huh.

KURT: Oh my God! (Steps into the doorway) I'm going bald!



[George and Celia in the prison library.]

CELIA: George! I'm so glad to see you!

GEORGE: Hey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something nice.

CELIA: Good news - I'm up for parole.

GEORGE: Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite!



[Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: So Marcelino's going to take down the check?

KRAMER: Yeah, Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.

JERRY: Great! (realizing) What?

KRAMER: Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.

JERRY: Ah ha...

KRAMER: Yeah, so he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down.

JERRY: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.

KRAMER: Only in The United States.

JERRY: It's inhumane!

KRAMER: No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.

JERRY: It's two roosters peckin' at each other!

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Yeah!

KRAMER: Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like "American Gladiators."

JERRY: No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I left him with Marcelino!

(Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.)

KRAMER: My Little Jerry! (Runs out.)

JERRY: Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.?

KRAMER: Oh well, he's more than O.K., he won!

JERRY: You let him fight?

KRAMER: Yeah, well I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.

JERRY: How long do they usually last?

KRAMER: Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today.

JERRY: Great!

(George walks in.)

KRAMER: Hey.

GEORGE: Celia's up for parole.

KRAMER: Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Who?

(They both look at Jerry.)

JERRY: I'm too tired.

KRAMER (to Jerry): O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry.

JERRY: O.K. (Kramer leaves.)

GEORGE (sadly): It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.

JERRY: Ah, I'm so sorry.

GEORGE: She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking...

JERRY: In other words, a normal relationship.

GEORGE: Heh, haa. And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.

JERRY: Well, she'll still be an ex-con.

GEORGE: It's not the same.

JERRY: Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something.



[Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop.]

ELAINE: Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out?

KURT: I don't care.

ELAINE: You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.

KURT: Oh yeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich.

ELAINE: You already ate?

KURT: It's from yesterday.



[Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega.]

MARCELINO: Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night.

JERRY: Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal!

MARCELINO: Now we have a new deal.

JERRY: New deal?

MARCELINO: When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours.

JERRY: This is Outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit.

MARCELINO (tosses the gum on the counter): 85 cents.

JERRY: 85 cents? That is Outrageous!



[Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY: Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.

KRAMER: Well, that's out of the question.

JERRY: But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity.

KRAMER: Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight!

JERRY: No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it!

KRAMER: You know, I think you're jealous.

JERRY: Of what?

KRAMER (points at Jerry like he's found him out): Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!

JERRY: Kramer, give me that rooster!

KRAMER: Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will! Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.)



[George in Betsy's office at the prison.]

BETSY: George, Celia has listed you as a character reference. Whatever you can tell us would certainly be helpful in, her getting paroled.

GEORGE: Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very eh...crafty.

BETSY: Does she have any plans after she's released?

GEORGE: Plans. Schemes. She ah, she keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends, you know - "the gang," as she likes to call them (chuckles), you know. Yeah, they're eh, they're hatching something, you can count on that.



[Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door.]

MARCELINO: Jerry! Tomorrow night's fight-night. Where's my rooster?

JERRY: Kramer won't sell.

MARCELINO: Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your check anyway.

JERRY: Oh well, thank you, Marcelino.

MARCELINO: Well, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event.

JERRY: You want Little Jerry to take a dive?

MARCELINO: Shhh, not so loud.

JERRY: First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive.

MARCELINO: Can, too!

JERRY: Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave.

MARCELINO (leaving): Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.

JERRY: We'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win!

KRAMER: O.K.!



[Kurt at George's apartment.]

KURT: Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to.

GEORGE (examining Kurt's head with a lamp): Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've seen a lot of this.

KURT: Oh, God.

GEORGE: No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now.

KURT: Happy? Why should I be happy?

GEORGE: You've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.

KURT: Who will I be?

(George points at himself. Kurt shudders.)

KURT: How long do I have?

GEORGE (solemnly): 14 months. Maybe 10.

KURT: Is there anything I can do?

GEORGE: Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse me.

(George answers the door. Celia enters.)

GEORGE: Celia? W-w-what are you doing here?

CELIA: Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out.

GEORGE (nervously): And-and you just decided to pop in...!



[Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment.]

ELAINE: Kurt!

KURT: Elaine...(holds out a wedding ring) Will you marry me?

(Elaine is shocked.)



[Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little Jerry for his cockfight.]

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy he's lookin' good, huh Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that?

KRAMER: I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Kramer...?

(Kramer looks at Jerry.)

JERRY: Be careful.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds!

GEORGE: Is that good?

JERRY: I don't know. Where have you been?

GEORGE: Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door!

JERRY: Oh my God! “The break-out/pop-in!”

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime -

JERRY (interrupts): George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry leaves.)



[Cut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment.]

ELAINE: Hey hey Kurt, slow down! I can't just marry you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some "fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous" time...

KURT: Plus, you want to get to know me.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, that too.

KURT: Well, how much time?

ELAINE: (sighs Wa-ah) I don't know...a year?

KURT: No, no, no...it has to be now.

ELAINE: (sighs ahh) Could I see the ring again?



[Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight in back of Marcelino's store.]

JERRY (to Elaine): So, you're actually considering it?

ELAINE: Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times.

JERRY: Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.

ELAINE: Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?

(George comes over.)

GEORGE: Oh, hey, sorry I'm late.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: Sorry I'm late.

JERRY: Where's Celia?

GEORGE: She didn't want to come, she-she's not really into sports.

JERRY: hmm. (nodding head)

(Kramer comes over with Little Jerry.)

JERRY: Hey, how's he doin'?

KRAMER: Ohh, He's got a big sweat going. (Takes an envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents.

JERRY (opens the envelope): Fifty dollars. I Don't Believe This!

KRAMER: There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.)

JERRY: Look at the size of his bird!

KRAMER: That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.


[Kurt at George's door. Celia answers.]

KURT: Hi, is George back from the cockfight yet? You know, I gotta thank him, he changed my life.

CELIA: No, it must have been a good fight, he's not back yet.

KURT: Ah, damn.

(Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.)

DETECTIVE #1 (to Kurt): Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well, well, well. Look who's here.

CELIA: Aw, man!

DETECTIVE #2 (to Kurt): Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive.

KURT (laughs): I'm not George Costanza.

DETECTIVE #2: Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt and Celia out.)



[Cut back to the cockfight.]

ELAINE (to a woman at the fight): Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0!

JERRY: He's a ringer!

GEORGE: Where's the tamale guy?

(The bell rings, and the cockfight begins. Dramatic music. The white rooster is dropped into the ring.)

KRAMER: Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there.

(A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything now happens in slow-motion.)

KRAMER (lunging for Little Jerry): Lit _ tle Jer _ ry!

JERRY: Kra _ mer!

ELAINE: Stop _ the _ fight!

GEORGE (holds up one finger): Ta _ mal _ e!

(Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's rooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked expressions on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer yelping and screaming from inside the ring.)

KRAMER: Ahhh, uh, uh, uh, ohuh, aaaa ouh au au au ah ah (more pecking) ah, ah, ah, Ah.

(Elaine put he hands over her eyes and face as she turns into Jerry, who is grimacing. George looks on at the spectacle in the ring, from behind Jerry and Elaine.)



[Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through the glass.]

ELAINE: Why? Why did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent!

KURT: They thought I was George. I'm not that bald. And I have too little time left to take that kind of crap, so I, slugged him.

ELAINE: So, how long are you gonna be in here for?

KURT: Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior, maybe...10?

ELAINE: (sighs) So 10 to 14 months.

KURT: Yeah.

(Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger, drops it in the tray, pushes the tray close button and leaves. Kurt holds up the ring watching her, and looks with a subdued expression.)


The End

Episode 179 - The Finale (1)
pc: 923 season 9, episode 23
Broadcast date: May 14, 1998

Written by Larry David
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Peter Blood .......................... Jay Crespi
David Byrd .......................... Pharmacist
Steve Carlson ....................... Captain Maddox
David Dunard ...................... Guard
Donna Evans ........................ Woman
Geoffrey C. Ewing ............... Bailiff
Warren Frost ........................ Mr. (Henry) Ross
Keith Hernandez .................. Himself
Scott Jaeck ............................ Officer Vogel
Wendle Josepher .................. Susie
Robert Katims ...................... Mr. Deensfrei
Scott Klace ........................... Guard
Bruce Mahler ....................... Rabbi Glickman
Ed O'Ross ............................ Det. Blake
Kevin Page ........................... Stu Chermak
James Pickens Jr. .................. Det. Hudson
John Pinette ......................... Howie
Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Dr. Wexler
James Rebhorn .................... D.A. Hoyt
Peter Riegert ....................... Kimbrough
Geraldo Rivera .................... Himself
McNally Sagal ...................... Carol
Gay Thomas ........................ O'Neal
Myra Turley ........................ Foreman
Jane Wells ............................ Herself
Grace Zabriskie ................... Mrs. Ross
Van Epperson ...................... Passerby
Jeff Johnson ......................... Criminal
Sean Moran ......................... Man
Dianne Turley Travis ........... Receptionist
Jim Zulevic ........................... Bernie
rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman
rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza
rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza
rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld
rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld
rc:  Steve Hytner ................. Kenny Bania
rc: Len Lesser ...................... Uncle Leo
rc: Phil Morris ....................... Jackie Chiles
rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman
rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy
rc: Danny Woodburn .......... Mickey Abbott

==================================================================

Episode 180 - The Finale (2)
pc: 924 season 9, episode 24
Broadcast date: May 14, 1998

Written by Larry David
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Stanley Anderson ................ Judge Vandelay
Frances Bay ......................... Mrs. Choate
Peter Blood .......................... Jay Crespi
David Byrd .......................... Pharmacist
Tony Carlin .......................... Co-Worker
Maggie Egan ........................ Ticket Clerk
Steve Carlson ....................... Captain Maddox
Melanie Chartoff .................. Robin
Brian Doyle-Murray ............. Mel Sanger
David Dunard ...................... Guard
Geoffrey C. Ewing ............... Bailiff
Warren Frost ....................... Mr. (Henry) Ross
Brian George ....................... Babu Bhatt
Philip Baker Hall .................. Mr. Bookman
Teri Hatcher ........................ Sidra
John Hayman ...................... Bubble Boy
Keith Hernandez ................. Himself
Carlos Jacott ........................ Pool Guy
Scott Jaeck ........................... Officer Vogel
Wendle Josepher ................. Susie
Robert Katims ...................... Mr. Deensfrei
Scott Klace ........................... Guard
Jane Leeves ......................... Marla
Bruce Mahler ....................... Rabbi Glickman
Wendel Meldrum ................. Low-Talker
Sheree North ....................... Babs
Ed O'Ross ............................ Det. Blake
Kevin Page ........................... Stu Chermak
James Pickens Jr. .................. Det. Hudson
John Pinette ......................... Howie
Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Dr. Wexler
James Rebhorn ..................... D.A. Hoyt
Geraldo Rivera ..................... Himself
McNally Sagal ....................... Carol
Miguel Sandoval ................... Marcelino
Reni Santoni .......................... Poppie
Gay Thomas ......................... O'Neal
Larry Thomas ....................... Soup Nazi
Myra Turley ......................... Foreman
Jane Wells ............................. Herself
Grace Zabriskie .................... Mrs. Ross
Van Epperson ...................... Passerby
Dianne Turley Travis ........... Receptionist
Jim Zulevic ........................... Bernie
rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman
rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza
rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza
rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld
rc: Barney Martin ................ Morty Seinfeld
rc: Ian Abercrombie ............. Mr. Pitt
rc: Richard Fancy ................. Lippman
rc: Richard Herd .................. Wilhelm
rc:  Steve Hytner ................. Kenny Bania
rc: Len Lesser ...................... Uncle Leo
rc: Phil Morris ....................... Jackie Chiles
rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman
rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy
rc: Danny Woodburn ......... Mickey Abbott

=================================================================

[Opening Monologue]

It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don'tyou come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.



[Jerry and George at Monks]

GEORGE: I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"

JERRY: I know what you mean.

GEORGE: Do ya?

JERRY: It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.

GEORGE: Same thing!

JERRY: Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.

GEORGE: Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?

WOMAN: What do you think? You want to give him the catsup?

MAN: It's up to you.

WOMAN: You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.

JERRY: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?

GEORGE: Nah - what for?

JERRY: To see a movie.

GEORGE: I've been to the movies.

JERRY: Not this movie.

GEORGE: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.

JERRY: Did you shower today?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.

GEORGE: When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!

JERRY: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.

GEORGE: Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health.

WOMAN: All right, we're done. You can have it now.

GEORGE: Oh, very gracious.



[Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.]

MAN: Nice day

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: What is that?

KRAMER: Hey! JoJo!

JERRY: Ey, ey!

ELAINE: All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.

KRAMER: No, thank you. So what are you doing?

JERRY: Nothing.

KRAMER: Come on, let's go to the beach.

GEORGE: What are you crazy?

KRAMER: What? It's a beautiful day.

JERRY: Have a good time.

KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air.

JERRY: You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?

KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air.

(Kramer drives off)

ELAINE: Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back.

JERRY: Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?

ELAINE: What? No good?

JERRY: Faux pas.

ELAINE: Faux pas?

GEORGE: Big hefty stinking faux pas.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."

GEORGE: On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.

JERRY: It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.

GEORGE: It's dismissive.

JERRY: It's pompous.

GEORGE: Why don't you think before you do something?

ELAINE: Here's a thought - Bye bye.

(Elaine leaves)

GEORGE: Too much?



[Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that.

JERRY: Hey - hey - hey!

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.

GEORGE: You're so uptight.

JERRY: Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.



[Jerry listens to his answering machine]

PHONE TAPE: Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.

JERRY: Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.

GEORGE: Who's he?

JERRY: He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."

GEORGE: Our show, "Jerry"?

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: When?

JERRY: Today, like right now.

GEORGE: Right now? "Jerry"?

JERRY: "Jerry"!

GEORGE: He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

JERRY: He wants to talk about "Jerry"!

GEORGE: "Jerry"!

JERRY: "Jerry"!

GEORGE: Can I go like this?

JERRY: Sure!

GEORGE: No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.

JERRY: Forget the sports jacket.

GEORGE: I won't feel like a writer.

JERRY: You're not a writer.

GEORGE: Right!



[Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC]

GEORGE: Water. Need some water! Water here!

JERRY: Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.

GEORGE: Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.

JERRY: Don't blow this.

GEORGE: I will not blow this.

JERRY: If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.

GEORGE: It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.

JERRY: He might not want nothing.

GEORGE: Something, nothing, I could care less.

JERRY: He might want a show about anything and everything.

GEORGE: Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!

JERRY: All right.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you

GEORGE: Magic time.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: nothing


[Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office]

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Kimbrough.

STU: Hey, Jerry, good to see you.

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey!

STU: How you been?

JERRY: Good, good. You remember George.

STU: George, good to see you.

GEORGE: Hello Stu.

STU: You remember Jay Crespi.

GEORGE: Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi?

STU: This is James Kimbrough.

KIMBROUGH: Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.

GEORGE: Kimbrough.

JERRY: Don't spell.

GEORGE: K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H

KIMBROUGH: That's right.

GEORGE: It's a talent I have.

KIMBROUGH: Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.

GEORGE: Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp.

JERRY: Shut up, George.

KIMBROUGH: Can I get you anything?

GEORGE: What do we have in the fruit department?

JERRY: Oy.

STU: Pineapple.

GEORGE: Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things.

KIMBROUGH: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old.

GEORGE: Been there, done that.

KIMBROUGH: Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.

GEORGE: Water coolers?

CRESPI: We call it a water-cooler show.

JERRY: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?

GEORGE: See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.

JERRY: Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."

GEORGE: It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.

JERRY: But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.

KIMBROUGH: Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago.

STU: I have always loved it.

KIMBROUGH: He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out.

CRESPI: He totally flipped out.

KIMBROUGH: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.

JERRY: He's a little off the wall.

CRESPI: Oh yeah.

STU: Kramer.

KIMBROUGH: And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.

JERRY: Definitely.

GEORGE: I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about.

KIMBROUGH: Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that?

GEORGE: Or we could get them together. Woo!



[George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office]

GEORGE: Yeah!

JERRY: Yeah!



[Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news]

ELAINE: Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?

JERRY: Hi. Elaine, it's me.

ELAINE: Jerry, I'm on the other line.

JERRY: No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.

ELAINE: I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?

JERRY: The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California!

ELAINE: That's the emergency?

JERRY: Did you hear what I said?

ELAINE: I was on the other line talking to Jill.

JERRY: Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?

ELAINE: You said it was an emergency.

JERRY: So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.



[Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry]

HELEN: Congratulations, they're doing the show.

MORTY: They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six.

HELEN: She's not six-six.

MORTY: Jerry, you ever watch that?

JERRY: Yeah, it's pretty good.



[George is telling his parents the news.]

ESTELLE: They picked up the show?

GEORGE: I'm moving to California.

FRANK: Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.

ESTELLE: The NBC guy liked it?

GEORGE: Of course he liked it.

ESTELLE: He told you he liked it?

GEORGE: He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.

ESTELLE: Well, what are you doing?

GEORGE: I'm writing.

ESTELLE: You know how to write?

FRANK: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.

ESTELLE: Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.

GEORGE: Ma?!

ESTELLE: I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas?

FRANK: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!

GEORGE: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.

ESTELLE: Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.



[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.)

JERRY: NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. Okay, bye.

KRAMER: Oh hey!

JERRY: Hey - how was the beach?

KRAMER: Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas

JERRY: I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?

KRAMER: You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.

JERRY: So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California!

KRAMER: You're moving to California?

JERRY: Yeah, only for a while.

KRAMER: Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.

JERRY: No, I'll be back.

KRAMER: Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.

JERRY: And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California.

KRAMER: Fling!



[The group is sitting at their table at Monks]

ELAINE: So we can go anywhere we want?

JERRY: Anywhere.

ELAINE: Why are they doing this?

JERRY: I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years.

ELAINE: This is all very exciting.

GEORGE: So? Where are we going?

KRAMER: I say Japan.

ELAINE: Why Japan?

KRAMER: Oh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking.

ELAINE: Oh - I got it - how about Russia?

JERRY: Russia, it's so bleak.

ELAINE: It's not bleak - it's springtime.

JERRY: It's still bleak.

ELAINE: You can't be bleak in spring.

JERRY: You can be bleak in spring.

GEORGE: If you're bleak, you're bleak.

ELAINE: What about Switzerland?

KRAMER: Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh?

GEORGE: It's a bit hilly - no?

ELAINE: You're not going to do any walking.

GEORGE: What if I want to walk around a little?

ELAINE: So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.

GEORGE: What if I'm at the bottom?

ELAINE: All right! You know what, just forget it!

JERRY: Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris?

ELAINE: I'll go to Paris.

GEORGE: Me too.

KRAMER: Oh yeah - oui oui.

JERRY: So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris.

(they put theirs hands in the middle)

GROUP: Yeah!



[Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go.

JERRY: Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.

ELAINE: Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?

JERRY: First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about a plane call?

ELAINE: All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.

(Knock at the door. Jerry answers.)

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hello, Newman. What gives?

NEWMAN: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?

JERRY: Yeah, that's right.

NEWMAN: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.

JERRY: Really.

NEWMAN: Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.

JERRY: That's a shame.

NEWMAN: Take me! Take me!

JERRY: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!

NEWMAN: All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.



[The group arrives by limo to the airport]

CAPTAIN: Ah, Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah.

CAPTAIN: I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?

JERRY: All set. We'll just grab the bags.

CAPTAIN: Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.

JERRY: Just keeps on getting better and better.

(Our heroes enter the plane)

JERRY: Not bad.

ELAINE: Wow!

KRAMER: The only way to fly.

GEORGE: This is it?

(After take-off, the group chit-chats)

GEORGE: I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer.

JERRY: You're complaining about a private jet?

GEORGE: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?

JERRY: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.

GEORGE: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.

ELAINE: Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.

GEORGE: This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.

JERRY: You're not writing any letters!

ELAINE: Will you turn around?

GEORGE: Why?

ELAINE: You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.

GEORGE: It's effeminate to sit like this?

ELAINE: Yes, I think it's a little effeminate.

GEORGE: How is this effeminate?

ELAINE: I don't know - it just is.

GEORGE: Kramer, what are you doing?

JERRY: Still got water in your ear?

KRAMER: Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.

GEORGE: Would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.

KRAMER: I got to get it out, I can't take this anymore.

GEORGE: Kramer, don't be fooling around up here.

GEORGE: Kramer!

CAPTAIN: Hey, get the hell out of here!

ELAINE: What is that?

GEORGE: Oh my God!

ELAINE: What is that noise? What is that noise?

JERRY: Kramer, what the hell did you do?

KRAMER: I lost my balance.

ELAINE: Oh my God!

ELAINE: What's going on?

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: It was an accident.

GEORGE: I told you to stop with the hopping.

ELAINE: Oh my God, we're going down. We're going to die!

GEORGE: Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.

JERRY: Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.

KRAMER: I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!

GEORGE: Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: There's something I have to tell you.

JERRY: What? What is it?

GEORGE: I cheated in the contest.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: The contest - I cheated.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.

JERRY: Great - I won.

ELAINE: Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.

JERRY: Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you.

ELAINE: No no - me first.

JERRY: Alright.

ELAINE: Jerry, I've always loved ..u..

GEORGE: Hey - What's going on?

KRAMER: We're straightening out!

ELAINE: We're straightening out?

JERRY: We're straightening out!

GEORGE: We're straightening out!

GROUP: Yeah!



[Outside the plane]

CAPTAIN: Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.

JERRY: Where are we?

CAPTAIN: Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.

JERRY: Okay.

ELAINE: Okay.

JERRY: We'll see you later.



[In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts]

ELAINE: Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane?

JERRY: I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.

GEORGE: I'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.

ELAINE: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.

GEORGE: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane.

JERRY: Alright, I'll feel him out.

GEORGE: Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.

STRANGER: Nice day.

JERRY: Another one?

(A carjacking takes place in front of the group)

ROBBER: Alright fatso, out of the car.

KRAMER: I want to capture this.

ROBBER: Come on! Gimme your wallet.

VOGEL: Don't shoot.

JERRY: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!

GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.

ROBBER: I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.

JERRY: That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC.

VOGEL: Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!

JERRY: Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.

KRAMER: All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.

ELAINE: Forget it.

JERRY: No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville.

OFFICER: All right, hold it right there.

KRAMER: What?

OFFICER: You're under arrest.

JERRY: Under arrest? What for?

OFFICER: Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.

ELAINE: What? No, no - we didn't do anything.

OFFICER: That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.

GEORGE: I never heard of that.

OFFICER: It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go.



[In a cell, at the Latham County Jail]

ELAINE: The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?

GEORGE: Why would we want to help somebody?

ELAINE: I know.

GEORGE: That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.

KRAMER: The Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people.

ELAINE: Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is.

DEPUTY: Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.

JERRY: Oh, yeah.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah.

DEPUTY: You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.

GEORGE: All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here.

DEPUTY: Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison.

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Oh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show.

DEPUTY: California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.



[Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office]

CHILES: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.

(The phone rings)

SECRETARY: Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

CHILES: You people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away.



[Hoyt's Office]

HOYT: So they got Jackie Chiles, huh? (Sets down the newspaper) Uh hmm. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything.



[The four are in prison, having a meal]

KRAMER: Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?

GEORGE: Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup.

ELAINE: I guess we could've called for help.

JERRY: But then we would have missed the whole thing.

KRAMER: I still had it on video. We could have watched it later.

GEORGE: Yeah, he's right.

JERRY: I forgot about the video.

ELAINE: Sure - the video.

(Jerry's beeper starts beeping)

ELAINE: What is that?

JERRY: Plane's ready.



[Rivera Live news show]

RIVERA: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-

WELLS: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo.

RIVERA: What's the mood? What's going on tonight?

WELLS: Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.

RIVERA: And what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up?

WELLS: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group."

RIVERA: Anything else, Jane?

WELLS: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly.

RIVERA: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.



[Jerry's parents are packing]

HELEN: I hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks.

MORTY: What's all that?

HELEN: Cereal.

MORTY: You're packing cereal?

HELEN: I'm bringing it for Jerry.

MORTY: You got enough here for a life sentence.

HELEN: He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.

MORTY: So bring a snack-pack.



[George's parents are packing]

ESTELLE: Poor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.

FRANK: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.

ESTELLE: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours.

FRANK: You were the one who smothered him.

ESTELLE: I did not smother him.

FRANK: You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!

ESTELLE: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.

FRANK: I had to make a living!



[Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George Steinbrenner.]



[The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.]

KRAMER: This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last.

JERRY: You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.

KRAMER: I bet.

JERRY: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

(Enter Jackie Chiles)

CHILES: Good morning.

ELAINE: Good morning, Jackie.

JERRY: Good morning.

CHILES: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?

GEORGE: It makes me look older.

CHILES: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.

(Jerry laughs)

CHILES: Do you think it's funny?

JERRY: No.

CHILES: You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.

ELAINE: How do I look, Jackie?

CHILES: Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady.

ELAINE: Thank you, Jackie.

KRAMER: How bout me, Jackie?

CHILES: Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that.

(Jackie hands Jerry a tie)

CHILES: Here.

JERRY: This one?

CHILES: That's right.

JERRY: Do I have to?

ELAINE: Jackie says put it on, Jerry.



[Court is starting]

BAILIFF: All rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.

GEORGE: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?

CHILES: Vanda who?

GEORGE: Jerry, did you hear that?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: I think that's a good sign.

VANDELAY: Is the District Attorney ready to proceed?

HOYT: We are, Your Honor.

VANDELAY: Mr. Hoyt.

HOYT: Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will pay.

(Newman shown eating popcorn)

VANDELAY: Mr. Chiles.

CHILES: I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.

VANDELAY: Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?

HOYT: We are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Matt Vogel.

HOYT: So they were just standing there?

VOGEL: Yes.

HOYT: Did one of them have a video camera?

VOGEL: Yes.

HOYT: Your Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A.

VANDELAY: Proceed.



[The tape plays]

VOGEL: Don't shoot.

JERRY: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya!

GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.



[New Witness: the victim of the robbery]

HOYT: So they just stood there and did nothing?

VOGEL: Yeah, nothing. Nothing!

HOYT: No further questions.

(Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi)

GEORGE: Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed!

HOYT: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Mabel Choate.

CHILES: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.

HOYT: Your Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years.

VANDELAY: Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness.

HOYT: Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th.

CHOATE: Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.

HOYT: Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.

HOYT: What did he want?

CHOATE: My marble rye.

HOYT: Your marble rye?

CHOATE: I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.

HOYT: And then you left the bakery.

CHOATE: That's right.

HOYT: But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?

CHOATE: Oh no.



[Flash-back from past episode, "The Rye"]

JERRY: Gimme that rye.

CHOATE: Stop it.

JERRY: I want that rye lady.

CHOATE: Help - someone help.

JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!



[Back to the courtroom]

HOYT: No further questions.

HOYT: I call Marla Penny to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Marla Penny.

JERRY: The virgin!

HOYT: And what was your connection to the defendants?

PENNY: I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.

HOYT: Then on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened.

PENNY: It's rather difficult to talk about.

HOYT: It's alright. Take your time.

PENNY: Well, I became aware of a -

HOYT: A what?

PENNY: A, uh -

HOYT: Yes?

PENNY: A contest.

HOYT: Contest?

PENNY: Yes.

HOYT: What was the nature of the contest?

PENNY: Oh please, I can't.

HOYT: It's okay.

PENNY: The four of them made a wager to see if they could -

HOYT: Yes?

PENNY: To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves.

PETERMAN: For the love of God!

PENNY: It was horrible, horrible!

HOYT: Call Donald Sanger to the stand.

JERRY: Who the hell is that?

MR. SANGER: Come on Donald, you're doing fine.

GEORGE: The Bubble Boy!

CHILES: Bubble Boy?

JERRY: That's right, the Bubble Boy.

CHILES: What's a Bubble Boy?

JERRY: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.

BUBBLE BOY: What the hell are all you looking at?

HOYT: So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.

BUBBLE BOY: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.



[Flash-back from past episode, "The Bubble Boy"]

GEORGE: Who invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?

BUBBLE BOY: That's a joke - the Moors.

GEORGE: Oh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.

GEORGE: Sorry, the card says Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: It doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops.

GEORGE: It's Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: Moors!

GEORGE: Moops!

GEORGE: Help! Someone!

BUBBLE BOY: There's no Moops, you idiot.

SUSAN: Stop it! Let go of him!

MRS. SANGER: Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.



[Back to the court]

GEORGE: It was Moops.

BUBBLE BOY: Moors.



[New Witness: the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot"]

HOYT: So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?

LADY: That's right.

HOYT: And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair?

LADY: That's right.



[Flash-back showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.]



[New Witness: Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died]

HOYT: So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?

WILCOX: Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it.

HOYT: So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?

WILCOX: I would describe it as restrained jubilation.

MR. ROSS: Murderer!

MRS. ROSS: He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!

VANDELAY: Order in this court!

HOYT: Call Sidra Holland to the stand.

CHILES: Whew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her?

HOYT: So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?

SIDRA: Yes.

HOYT: And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?

SIDRA: Yes, that's true.

HOYT: Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting.

SIDRA: We were in the sauna, making chit-chat.



[Flash-Back from past episode, "The Implant"]

SIDRA: You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie.

ELAINE: Oh, hi, I'm Elaine.



[Back in the courtroom]

HOYT: So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?

SIDRA: Yes.

HOYT: Why would she do something like that?

SIDRA: Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real.



[New Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]

HOYT: State your name.

BOOKMAN: Bookman, Joe Bookman.

HOYT: And what's your occupation?

BOOKMAN: I'm a library cop.

HOYT: What does a library cop do?

BOOKMAN: We chase down library delinquents.

HOYT: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?

BOOKMAN: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.

HOYT: How long was his book overdue?

BOOKMAN: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.

HOYT: What do you call them?

BOOKMAN: Criminals.



[New Witness: George's old girlfriend]

HOYT: So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.

WOMAN: Yes.

HOYT: And then what happened?

WOMAN: Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -



[Flash-Back from past episode, "The Fire"]

GEORGE: Fire! Get out of the way!



[New Witness: parking lot security guard]

GUARD: At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.



[Flash-back from past episode, "The Parking Garage"]

JERRY: Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.

GUARD: I don't know.

JERRY: Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.



[Back to the courtroom]

HOYT: Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!

CHILES: Objection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here! I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.

VANDELAY: Sit down, Mr. Chiles.



[New Witness: Police Detective]

HOYT: Alright, Detective, then what happened?

DETECTIVE: We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot.



[Flash-Back from past episode, "The Wig Master"]

PROSTITUTE: You just cost me some money.

KRAMER: Cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.

POLICE: Police officers - freeze right there!



[Back to the courtroom]

HOYT: So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.

(Detective shacks his head "yes")



[Witness: the low-talker from "The Puffy Shirt"]

HOYT: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?

LOW-TALKER: (Mumbles)

HOYT: Excuse me?

CHILES: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.



[New Witness: George Steinbrenner]

HOYT: Call George Steinbrenner to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call George Steinbrenner.

HOYT: So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?

STEINBRENNER: Yes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?

GEORGE: Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.

STEINBRENNER: He had one little problem though.

HOYT: What was that?

STEINBRENNER: He was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak.

FRANK: How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!

VANDELAY: Order!



[New Witness: Marcellino from "The Little Jerry"]

HOYT: Cock fighting?

MARCELLINO: Cock fighting.



[New Witness: Pharmacist from "The Sponge"]

PHARMACIST: Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them.



[New Witness: Elaine's old boyfriend from work]

MAN: She exposed her nipple.



[New Witness: Mr. Pitt]

HOYT: How did she try to kill you?

PITT: She tried to smother me with a pillow.

HOYT: Call Yev Kassem to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Yev Kassem.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: The Soup Nazi!

CHILES: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.

HOYT: State your name.

SOUP NAZI: Yev Kassem.

HOYT: Could you spell that?

SOUP NAZI: No! Next question.

HOYT: How do you know the defendants?

SOUP NAZI: They used to come to my restaurant.



[Flash-Back to "The Soup Nazi" Episode]

GEORGE: Medium turkey chili.

JERRY: Medium crab bisque.

GEORGE: I didn't get any bread.

JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go.

GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.

SOUP NAZI: You want bread?

GEORGE: Yes, please.

SOUP NAZI: Three dollars!

GEORGE: What?

SOUP NAZI: No soup for you!



[Back in the courtroom]

SOUP NAZI: But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day, she came back.



[Flash-Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode]

ELAINE: Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery.

SOUP NAZI: That's my recipe for wild mushroom.

ELAINE: You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!



[Back in the courtroom]

SOUP NAZI: She published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business!

ELAINE: Soup's not all that good anyway.

SOUP NAZI: What did you say?!

HOYT: The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.

JERRY: How did they find Babu?

ELAINE: I thought he was deported.

HOYT: You came a long way to be here today, haven't you?

BABU Yes, all the way from Pakistan.

HOYT: And what's your connection to the defendant?

BABU I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people.

HOYT: And then what happened?

BABU Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad!



[Rivera Live]

RIVERA: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane -

WELLS: Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.

RIVERA: That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery.

WELLS: Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.

RIVERA: Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?

WELLS: That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, and on, and on, into the night.

RIVERA: And so we wait.



[The group, waiting for the jury to decide]

JERRY: Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?

ELAINE: I think so.

JERRY: It's not that bright orange one is it?

ELAINE: I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange.

KRAMER: Will you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?



[George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay]

ESTELLE: Sorry to bother you, Judge.

VANDELAY: How did you get in here?

ESTELLE: Please, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.

VANDELAY: This is highly irregular.

ESTELLE: Well, maybe there's something I can do for you.

VANDELAY: What do you mean?

ESTELLE: You know



[Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun]



[Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed]

SIDRA: Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate.

CHILES: We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days.

(Phone rings)

CHILES: Hello? Damn. They're ready.



[Back in the courtroom]

JERRY: Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down?

ELAINE: I've always loved ... United Airlines.

(Jury reenters the courtroom)

KRAMER: I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.

JERRY: Maybe because she knows you're going to jail.

BAILIFF: All rise.

VANDELAY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

FOREMAN: We have, Your Honor.

VANDELAY: Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?

FOREMAN: We find the defendants - guilty.

VANDELAY: Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned.

(Exit Judge Vandelay)

GEORGE: You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.

ELAINE: Puddy, don't wait for me.

PUDDY: Alright.

FRANK: We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.

SIDRA: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.

JERRY: What?

CHILES: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.



[The group, walking back to the holding cell]

JERRY: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back

KRAMER: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.

ELAINE: Why don't you just blow it out your a...

(They enter the cell)

ELAINE: If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?

JERRY: Sure.

ELAINE: Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.

JERRY: I think that would be a very nice gesture.

KRAMER: I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.

JERRY: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.

GEORGE: Really?

JERRY: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.

GEORGE: Haven't we had this conversation before?

JERRY: You think?

GEORGE: I think we have.

JERRY: Yeah, maybe we have.



[Epilogue, on stage in the prison]

JERRY: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?

PRISONER 1: I am.

JERRY: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?

PRISONER 2: Murder one.

JERRY: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?

PRISONER 3: Grand theft auto.

JERRY: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.

PRISONER 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.

JERRY: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.

GUARD: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.

JERRY: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.


The End

Episodes 177&178 - The Clip Show (a.k.a. The Chronicle)
pc: 921 season 9, episodes 21&22
Broadcast date: May 14, 1998

Written by Darin Henry
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

==================================================================

*Part 1 (only cut up for syndication)

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: (checking his watch) You know if we are gonna see this movie we gotta get moving.

(Kramer is seen exiting his Apartment through Jerry's open door)

ELAINE: Let's Roll (hand motions to hurry up)

(Kramer enters through the threshold)

KRAMER: Come on people, previews, Shnell! Shnell!

(Kramer, George and Elaine leave Jerry's and start down the hall; Jerry walking door the door putting on his coat, grabs the nob to leave then turns around and notices "us" the viewers)

JERRY: Oh, Hello. Nine years, seems like a long time doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us, it seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere...except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time. Anyway the point is over the last nine years...

GEORGE: (from the hallway off camera) Jerry were gonna miss the movie.

JERRY: (toward the door yelling) I'm comin'!

KRAMER (from the hallway off camera) Previews Jerry!

JERRY: (toward the door yelling) Just go already! (back to the viewers) Over the last nine years we've had a lot experiences. And I'll tell ya, when you stop and add em all up. That's what you realize. Watch this.

ELAINE: (from the hallway off camera) Jerry?!

JERRY: (toward the door yelling) SHUTUP!! (turn back toward the viewers and smilies and we break into clips)


*List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later



*Part 2 (Only shown during syndication)

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: Wow Nine years, A hundred and eighty shows (turns and looks toward his kitchen) same twelve boxes of cereal, and millions and millions of dollars.

(kramer runs into the locked door)

KRAMER: Jerry you in there?

JERRY: (toward the door) Busy (toward the viewers) We've made a lot of friends, shared a lot of laughs, often at the expense of others, and slept with.. well who's counting?

KRAMER: (trying to get in again) Ah man why's the door locked.

JERRY: I'm coming. Anyway watch this.

(Jerry opens the door and Kramer falls)

KRAMER: (getting back up) Jeez, (looking around) who you talking to?

JERRY: (walking out the door) No one.

KRAMER: (starts his way out closing the door; notices the viewers) Oh, Hello.

JERRY: (from the hallway off camera) KRAMER!

(Kramer smilies as he exits; Clips begin)



*List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later

Episode 176 - The Puerto Rican Day
pc: 920 season 9, episode 20
Broadcast date: May 7, 1998

Written by Alec Berg, Jennifer Crittenden, Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Gregg Kavet, Steve Koren, David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Andy Robin and Jeff Schaffer.
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Mario Joyner ......................... Lamar
Dayton Callie ........................ Cabbie
James Karen .......................... Mr. Canterman
Helen Carey .......................... Mrs. Christine Nyhart
Yul Vasquez .......................... Bob
John Paragon ........................ Cedric
Jenica Bergere ....................... Leslie
Monica Allison ...................... Gail
Marcelo Tubert ..................... Father
Armando Molina .................. Amigo
Tom Agna ............................. Gary
Tom Dahlgren ...................... Priest
Bert Rosario ......................... Man
Raoul N. Rizik ...................... Parade Goer
Scott Conte .......................... Sketch Guy
Mimi Cozzens ....................... Mrs. Canterman
Alison Martin ....................... Lucy
Marc Hirschfeld ................... Ellis
Chip Heller ........................... Policeman

==================================================================

[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind the wheel.)

GEORGE: Man, I'm starving.

ELAINE: How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?

GEORGE: Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.

JERRY: Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.

KRAMER: You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.

JERRY: I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.

ELAINE: Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked.

GEORGE: Those nachos are killing me.

ELAINE: I thought you were hungry.

GEORGE: It's complicated.

KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.

JERRY: Keep your shirt on. I got it.

ELAINE: Watch out for that maroon Golf.

KRAMER: Oh, boy.

JERRY: Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out.

KRAMER: I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh...

(Jerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon Golf honks the horn.)

JERRY: Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated.

KRAMER: You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.

ELAINE: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

KRAMER: Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger.

ELAINE: Oh, all right.

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Elaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar.)



[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

GEORGE: So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah. What's that called?

GEORGE: Blimp: The Hindenburg Story.

JERRY: How was it?

GEORGE: I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?

JERRY: Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.

GEORGE: Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!"

JERRY: Heh.

GEORGE: The place went nuts.

JERRY: Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: Why are we slowing down?

(Music plays in the background.)

JERRY: What is that music?

GEORGE: What's with all these flags?

JERRY: Oh, no.

ELAINE AND JERRY: It's the Puerto Rican Day parade!

ELAINE: Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. We're never getting home.

(Kramer stands up on the back seat.)

KRAMER: All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico.

 

[STOCK FOOTAGE: Puerto Rican Day parade.]



[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Kramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of a black Saab.)

KRAMER: Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here.

(There is a Puerto Rican family in the car.)

PUERTO RICAN MAN: Well, it is our day.

KRAMER: Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.

(Kramer hops out.)



[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(Still sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George. They are listening to the radio.)

RADIO: And the Mets score two in the eighth inning.

JERRY: See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs.

GEORGE: I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos.

ELAINE: I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.

JERRY: I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.

KRAMER: All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there.

JERRY: But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there?

GEORGE: Just inch over. You worm your way.

ELAINE: Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.

KRAMER: You know, you should make yourself throw up.

ELAINE: Huh?

KRAMER: You know you're going to.

JERRY: All right, I'm worming.

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.

JERRY: They're not letting me in.

GEORGE: My hand is out.

JERRY: Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face.

ELAINE: You sure you want his face?

KRAMER: No, no, no. It was María Conchita Alonso.

GEORGE: This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.

JERRY: The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.

GEORGE: Look at me! I am man! I am you!

(The man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting behind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing the words, "Hi, can we go in?")

GEORGE: All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.

KRAMER: Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.

JERRY: One more lane to go.

GEORGE: All right! We're here!

(Just as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and his maroon Golf cut him off.)

LAMAR: Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab.

JERRY: Maroon Golf.

LAMAR: Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.

JERRY: Could you move your car back a little?

LAMAR: Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.

ELAINE: All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else.

(Elaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the dashboard. She gets out.)

JERRY: You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.

ELAINE: I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios.

KRAMER: Con dios? Well, that's rude.

JERRY: Can you believe her?

GEORGE: Yeah. I'll see you later.

JERRY: Where are you going?

GEORGE: The movies. Blimp is playing right there.

JERRY: You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?

GEORGE: It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.

JERRY: That's not what I do.

GEORGE: Isn't it?

JERRY: Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is.

(George leaves.)

KRAMER: You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while.



[STOCK FOOTAGE: Taxis stuck in traffic].



[INT. TAXI CAB - DAY]

(Elaine sits in the back.)

ELAINE: Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it?

(She moves so she can yell out the driver's open window.

ELAINE (yelling): Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!

(She leans back.)

ELAINE: Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this.

CAB DRIVER: No, you can't.

ELAINE: Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here.

(She pays her fare and gets out.)



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS]

(She starts to walk. The cab starts to move.)

ELAINE: Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey!

(The cab stops and she gets back in.)



[INT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS]

CAB DRIVER: Where to?

ELAINE: That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again.

(She pays and gets out again.)



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS]

(Again, the cab starts moving when she gets out.)

ELAINE: Hey. Taxi! Taxi!

(She starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster.)



[INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY]

(George sits down next to two attractive women.)

GEORGE: Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.

LADY 1: What is that dot?

LADY 2: Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers.

(A red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as the dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress.)



[INT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY]

(The laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles and RC Cola.)

LASER GUY: Gimme a box of those and one of those.

GEORGE: Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?

LASER GUY: The laser's not funny. I'm funny.

GEORGE: Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try.

LASER GUY: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...



[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(Kramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio.)

RADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom of the ninth.

JERRY: I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here.

LAMAR: This traffic's a killer, ain't it?

KRAMER: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.

JERRY: Walk away?

KRAMER: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.

JERRY: Isn't there a deductible?

KRAMER: All right, what is your deductible?

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Yes, because they've already deducted it.

JERRY: From what?

KRAMER: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.

JERRY: We're not leaving the car!

KRAMER: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

JERRY: Absolutely not. He sped up.

RADIO: Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit.

JERRY: I'm ready to talk.

 

[INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY]

(George and the ladies are sitting in their seats.)

LADY 1: Hey! There's that laser guy again.

LADY 2: He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.

LADY 1: I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair.

LADY 2: Mmm, yeah.

(There's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the screen and everyone laughs.)

GEORGE: That's gotta hurt!

(Everyone stops laughing.)

GEORGE: It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!

(George stands up.)

GEORGE: Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!

(The laser guy points the laser at George's head.)

LADY 1: Look! It's on the bald guy.

LADY 2: I am so glad we came to this showing.



[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Kramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer walks to Jerry.)

KRAMER: Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave.

JERRY: What's that?

KRAMER: You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.

JERRY: Ok!

(Jerry puts both hands up over his head and does the "I'm Sorry" wave.)

LAMAR: Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it.

KRAMER: Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now.

(Kramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back seat.)

GEORGE: All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.

JERRY: What's that on your forehead?

GEORGE: It's probably chocolate.

JERRY: Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!

GEORGE: All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!

JERRY: See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.

LAMAR: What was that?

JERRY: I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!

(As Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the street and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine.)

JERRY: Elaine?!

ELAINE: Jerry?!

LAMAR: Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(The apartment is empty.)



[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Jerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars.)

JERRY: So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?

PUERTO RICAN MAN: Buenos dias, my friend.

JERRY: Not you! The guy in the Amigo.

 

[INT. TAXI CAB - DAY]

(Elaine sits frustrated in the cab.)

ELAINE: Uh, well, uh, here--here is good.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go! You went to college!

ELAINE: Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship.

(She pays the driver and gets out.)



[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Elaine walks up to Jerry.)

ELAINE: Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?

JERRY: Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!

LAMAR: So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good.

ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.

JERRY: Elaine, he doesn't need-

LAMAR: Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.

JERRY: 'Cause that's what's gonna happen.

(Kramer and George walk along eating churros.)

KRAMER: Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?

GEORGE: Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.

ELAINE: All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya.

(Elaine leaves.)

GEORGE: This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous.

KRAMER: You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.

(Kramer leaves.)

JERRY: Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes.

GEORGE: Oh, my god.

JERRY: Hey, there's the soda guy.

LAMAR: Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper!

JERRY (exasperated): All right!

(George stands petrified.)



[EXT. BARRICADE - DAY]

(A police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd of people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd.)

OLDER MAN: Hey, hey, hey!

OLDER WOMAN: Wha--ow!

ELAINE: Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere!

OLDER MAN: Well, none of us can! We're trapped!

OLDER WOMAN: Ow!

ELAINE: Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here.

(Elaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers.)

OLDER MAN: Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

ELAINE: Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!

OLDER WOMAN: Father?

PRIEST: None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something.

PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, all right, all right!

(People start going under the bleachers.)

ELAINE: All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

BUSINESS MAN: But it's dark!

ELAINE: Get in there!



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(Kramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, "Rest rooms are for patrons only." There's another sign that reads apartment for sale.)



[INT. APARTMENT - DAY]

(There's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's Kramer.)

KRAMER: Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.

SALES WOMAN: Yes! Come in, come in.

KRAMER: Ok.

SALES WOMAN: I'm Christine Nyhart.

KRAMER: Oh. Delicious to meet you.

SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?

KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.

KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

SALES WOMAN: No.

KRAMER: How about a bathroom?

SALES WOMAN: It has 4.

KRAMER: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?

SALES WOMAN: Just down the hall.

KRAMER: Oh, thank you.

(He saunters to the bathroom.)



[INT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

(Elaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the bleachers landing on them.)

ELAINE: Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon.

PREGNANT WOMAN: I'm not married.

ELAINE: Well, I, for one, really respect that.

PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, thank you.

ELAINE (whispering): Hey! Guess who's not married.

OLDER MAN: Is the boyfriend still in the picture?

ELAINE: Come on, father, you can make it.

PRIEST: No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me.

ELAINE: No! I won't!

PRIEST: Leave me! you must.

ELAINE: All right. Take it easy.

ELAINE: All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy.

PRIEST: I heard that!



[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Jerry stands next to his car with a drink.)

LAMAR: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't.

JERRY (sarcastically): Ho ho!

(George returns wearing mirrored sunglasses.)

JERRY: What seems to be the problem, officer?

GEORGE: They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?

JERRY: At me?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Oh. It's back.

GEORGE: Bring it on, baby

JERRY: What if it gets in the side?

GEORGE: The side?

JERRY: Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-

(George rips off his glasses.)

GEORGE: All right!

JERRY: Oh. It's in your eye now.

(George runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto Rican flag draped around him.)

KRAMER: Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!

JERRY: Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!

KRAMER: Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.

JERRY: You were watchin'? Where?

 

[INT. APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry sits in the apartment watching TV.)

JERRY: Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!

SALES WOMAN: Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um--

JERRY: Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?

SALES WOMAN: Well, it's--

JERRY: Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?

SALES WOMAN: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.

JERRY: Not Pennypacker!

SALES WOMAN: You know him?

JERRY: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!



[INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY]

(George and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view mirror.)

GEORGE: Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter.

(George exits the car.)



[INT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

(Elaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers.)

ELAINE: We should be able to get across right through here!

(She lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall.)

OLDER WOMAN: It's a dead end!

ELAINE: Oh, no! I thought--

BUSINESS MAN: You thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna die!

ELAINE: Get a hold of yourself!

(Elaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab each other and kiss.)

PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, come on!

OLDER WOMAN Oooh!

ELAINE: Sorry. Somebody...help us!



[EXT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

(Lots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard.)

MAN: !Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach!

ELAINE: We're down here! Help!

MAN: There's people down there! Hold on!

(They lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group.)

ELAINE: Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.

PREGNANT WOMAN: Don't judge me!

ELAINE: Help us up so we can cross the street?

POLICE OFFICER: Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade.

ELAINE: But we've come so far. We just want to unwind.

POLICE OFFICER: Hey, what can I tell ya?

(They close the floor boards.)



[INT. BLEACHERS - DAY]

BUSINESS MAN: Wanna make out some more?

ELAINE: Oh, god! Let us out!



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(George hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks up and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all over his hands.)

GEORGE: That wasn't a laser pen.

DELIVERY MAN: No. It's just a pen.

(The delivery man laughs.)

GEORGE: Oh, that's funny

DELIVERY MAN: No. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever.



[EXT. CITY STREET - DAY]

(Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler.)

KRAMER: Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year.

(He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where it lands on the Puerto Rican flag.)

KRAMER: Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

(Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise.)

KRAMER: See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh?

(Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire.)

KRAMER: Ooh! !Dios mio!

(He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it.)

MAN: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!

BOB: Who! Who is burning the flag?!

KRAMER: Oh, no.

BOB: Him?!

CEDRIC: That's not very nice.

KRAMER: It was an accident.

BOB: Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!

CEDRIC: Because it's Puerto Rican day.

BOB: Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that?

KRAMER: Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!

(Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase.)



[INT. APARTMENT - DAY]

(The sales woman lets George in.)

SALES WOMAN: Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.

GEORGE: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?

SALES WOMAN: It's down the hall.

(George walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry.)

JERRY: Oh, hello...

GEORGE: Art.

JERRY: Mr. Vandelay, of course.

SALES WOMAN: You two know each other?

(Kramer bursts through the door.)

SALES WOMAN: Mr. Pennypacker!

KRAMER: Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello.

SALES WOMAN: Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen

KRAMER: Uh, Varnsen.

JERRY: Pennypacker.

KRAMER: Vandelay.

GEORGE: Pennypacker. Varnsen.

JERRY: Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?

KRAMER: The factory?

JERRY: The Saab factory?

KRAMER: Jerry, that's in Sweden.

(George turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time to see a mob attacking his car.)

JERRY: My car!

KRAMER: Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

GEORGE: Jerry, the Mets lost.

JERRY: I love a parade!



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT]

(Jerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer, George, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork.)

GEORGE: How do you suppose they did that?

KRAMER: Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?

JERRY: Well, what about my car?

KRAMER: Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.

(Elaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn in her hair and her clothing stained.)

JERRY: Hey, there's Elaine.

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Well, you look, uh...relaxed.

ELAINE: Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.

(Lamar drives up in his maroon Golf.)

LAMAR: Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around!

(He drives off.)

JERRY: Well, at least he didn't-

LAMAR: Jackass!

(Jerry sets his car alarm.)

JERRY: Somebody remember where we parked.

KRAMER: This was a fun day. It's nice to get out.

(The foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end.)

 
The End

Episode 175 - The Maid
pc: 919 season 9, episode 19
Broadcast date: April 30, 1998

Written by Alec Berg & David Mandel & Jeff Schaffer
Story by Alec Berg & David Mandel & Jeff Schaffer and Kit Boss & Peter Mehlman
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Daniel Von Bargen .............. Kruger
Angela Featherstone ........... Cindy
Anthony Crivello ................. Maxwell
Markus Flanagan ................. Charles
Sam Whipple ........................ Phone Guy #1
Kyle Colerider-Krugh .......... Phone Guy #2
Steve Franken ...................... Brendan
Davenia McFadden .............. Coco
Damon Jones ........................ Watkins
Chip Chinery ........................ Co-Worker #1
Colin McClean ...................... Co-Worker #2
Anthony Mangano ............... Fireman

==================================================================

[INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY]

(George and Jerry sit at their usual booth.)

JERRY (to waitress): Cup of tea with lemon.

GEORGE: What happened to your voice?

JERRY: I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo.

GEORGE: Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.

JERRY: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?

GEORGE: The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.

JERRY: You mean like...Liza!

GEORGE: But I was thinking...T-bone.

JERRY: But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?

GEORGE: There's no G-bone.

JERRY: There's a g-spot.

GEORGE: That's a myth.

(George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to his chin.)

JERRY: T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum.)

ELAINE: Why did they hire you for a rodeo?

JERRY: They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.

ELAINE: Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or--

JERRY: Oh, I had that comin' to me.

ELAINE: You know, Kenny Rogers has a-

(Jerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen.)

ELAINE (whispering): Why did you get a maid?

JERRY: You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.

ELAINE: Where did you get her?

JERRY: I hired her from a service!

MAID: All done.

JERRY: Thank you. Nice job.

MAID: Is this mine?

JERRY: Yeah.

(The maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry.)

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?

JERRY: Notice what? She's not really even a maid.

ELAINE: Oh.

JERRY: She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman.

ELAINE: Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.

JERRY: You have a girlfriend?

(Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge.)

KRAMER: Jerry, where have you been?

JERRY: At a rodeo. Where's she moving?

KRAMER: Downtown.

ELAINE: Downtown New York?

KRAMER: Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.

JERRY: It's like 10 minutes by subway.

KRAMER: I don't know.

(Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills onto the floor.)

KRAMER: Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646.

ELAINE: What? What is that?

JERRY: That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646.

ELAINE: I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.

KRAMER: Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.

ELAINE: At work?

KRAMER: No. At your apartment.

ELAINE: I don't have a fax machine.

JERRY: Here we go.

KRAMER: Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.

JERRY: And a dead bolt.

KRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.

ELAINE: Then maybe you have a fax machine.

KRAMER: You just blew my mind.

 

[INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY]

(Everyone is gathered around a large conference table.)

KRUGER: Let's order lunch.

KRUGER: Mary, I will have a chef's salad.

MALE WORKER: Turkey sandwich.

GEORGE: T-bone steak.

KRUGER: For lunch?

GEORGE: Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me--

WATKINS: That sounds good. I'll have one, too.

KRUGER: Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?

WATKINS: I love 'em.

KRUGER: Well, then we should call you T-bone.

GEORGE: Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.

KRUGER: T-bone!

ALL (chanting): T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!



[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(The phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of groceries. She drops the bags and picks up the phone.)

ELAINE: Hello?

(A fax squeal.)

ELAINE: What?

(She checks her answering machine.)

MACHINE: You have 57 messages. Message one...

(Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.)

MACHINE: Message two...

(Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.)

MACHINE: Message three...

GEORGE: Hey, it's George. Listen, I-

(She skips to the next message.)

MACHINE: Message four...

(Fax squeal.)

ELAINE Kramer!

(The phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally caves and picks it up.)

EALINE: Hello?

(Another fax squeal.)

ELAINE: Aah!



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

JERRY: Well Cindy, the place looks great.

(She grabs her money off the counter.)

CINDY: Thanks Jerry, gotta run.

JERRY: Ok, I'll see ya.

(As Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up and watches, amused.)

CINDY: Hi, Elaine.

(Jerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits.)

ELAINE: All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision.

JERRY: Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?

ELAINE: You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.

JERRY: No. I pay her to clean. The rest is--

ELAINE: What? A health plan?

JERRY: I was going to say, "Being a good host."

ELAINE: Oh-ho-ho. Oh.

JERRY: But the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated.

ELAINE: So you consider this a relationship?

JERRY: Yes, I do.

ELAINE: Oh. Have you been out?

JERRY: Yes, we have.

ELAINE: Where did you go?

JERRY: The store.

ELAINE: Mm! To get what?

JERRY: Stuff.

ELAINE: Cleaning supplies?

JERRY: And gum.

ELAINE: Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.

JERRY: She's not a maid. She might be a news woman!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already.

(Kramer sits down on the couch.)

ELAINE: Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds?

KRAMER: Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.

ELAINE: Which ones?

KRAMER: Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.

ELAINE: So this is never gonna stop?

KRAMER: Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?

ELAINE: You can pick 'em up right now.

(Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear.)

KRAMER: Ah!



[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(She fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone.)

ELAINE (thinking): I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice?

PHONE MAN: All right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number.

ELAINE: Ahem. 646? What is this?

PHONE MAN: That's your new area code.

ELAINE: I thought 646 was just for new numbers.

PHONE MAN: This is a new number.

ELAINE: No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed.

PHONE MAN: Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.

ELAINE: You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.

PHONE MAN: I could've killed you, and no one would've known.

 

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

JERRY: Kramer, you're still on the phone?

(Kramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone.)

KRAMER: Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?

JERRY: Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?

KRAMER (into phone): Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.

(Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him.)

JERRY: Madeline stays here.

(George enters.)

JERRY: Hey, T-bone!

GEORGE: No. No T-bone.

JERRY: No T-bone?

KRAMER (from bathroom): Hey, is that T-bone?!

JERRY: No! There's no T-bone!

KRAMER: Well, why no T-bone?!

JERRY: Why no T-bone?

GEORGE: 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!

(Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone.)

KRAMER: Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?

(Kramer opens the door.)

KRAMER: Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.

(Kramer leaves.)

GEORGE: Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry?

KRAMER (from hallway): He's sleeping with his maid!

GEORGE: You're sleepin' with the maid?

JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?

JERRY: No.



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(Elaine and a man are talking.)

MAN: You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number.

ELAINE: No, I'm not. Here you go.

MAN: 646?

ELAINE: It's a new area code.

MAN: What area? New Jersey?

ELAINE: No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.

MAN: Do I have to dial a one first?

(Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number.)

MAN: I'm really kinda seein' somebody.

ELAINE: Yeah? Well, so am I!



[INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY]

GEORGE: Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins?

(George and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking.)

WATKINS: It's T-bone.

GEORGE: The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.

WATKINS: Heh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George.

GEORGE: What? Now, you listen to me!

(Kruger and a few other people watch George through the window of the conference room door.)

KRUGER: Hey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language?

WATKINS: All right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying.

GEORGE (sniffling): I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies.

(Watkins and George enter the conference room.)

GEORGE: Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as-

KRUGER: Koko the monkey.

GEORGE: What?

ALL (chanting): Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!



[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Elaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment.)

MAN: Thank you both for being here.

EALINE: Um, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz?

MAN: She passed.

ELAINE: Oh, I'm so sorry.

MAN: Thank you.

ELAINE: A quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

CINDY: I can't find my earring. Oh, here it is.

(Cindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?

JERRY: Yeah. It's in your closet.

KRAMER: No, no, no. I looked.

JERRY: They're behind my skis and my tennis racket.

KRAMER: Thanks, buddy.

JERRY: Where you goin'?

KRAMER: Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?

JERRY: Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.

KRAMER: Oh.

(Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom.)

CINDY: Hi, Kramer.

(She picks up her money from the counter.)

CINDY: Thanks, Jerry. Bye.

(She leaves.)

KRAMER: Well, what's the matter?

JERRY: What did I just pay for?

KRAMER: Uh-oh. You're a john.



[INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY]

JERRY: Koko?

(George and Jerry are sitting at the counter.)

GEORGE: Koko.

JERRY: Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.

GEORGE: Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?

JERRY: Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex.

GEORGE: Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then--

JERRY: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.

GEORGE: How much you pay this maid?

JERRY: 40.

GEORGE: 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.

JERRY: I don't know what this is.

(Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him and Jerry.)

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.

(Kramer shows of his I Love New York shirt.)

JERRY: Ooh.

KRAMER: Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry.

GEORGE: I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward.

KRAMER: Well, now I can't see Jerry.

JERRY: I look about the same.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: I was talking to him.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Never mind.

KRAMER: Come on. What'd he say?

GEORGE: Never mind.

KRAMER: Jerry, come on. What'd you say?

(Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry leans back.)

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Come on. Where'd you go?

JERRY: Go back.

KRAMER: Eh! Come on. What did you say?

JERRY: I said, never mind.

KRAMER: Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh.

JERRY: I hate the counter.

(Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry.)

ELAINE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

ELAINE: I hate the counter.

KRAMER: Who's that?

ELAINE (to Jerry): Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.

JERRY: Oh, she didn't mind?

ELAINE: No. She died.

JERRY: Hey, that's great.

GEORGE: What happened to Mrs. Krantz?

JERRY: Elaine got a new number because she died.

KRAMER: Newman died?

ELAINE: What did he say?

JERRY: Some new kind of pie.

GEORGE: I'll try a piece.

KRAMER: All right, who's down there?

JERRY: Hey, there's a booth.

(They all get up to move.)

KRAMER: Hey, Elaine.

ELAINE: Oh, hi.

KRAMER: Did you hear about Newman?

ELAINE: What?

(Kramer whimpers.)



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa. George enters.)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?

GEORGE: Oh, yeah.

(He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00.")

JERRY: Double zero?

GEORGE: It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah."

CINDY: Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.

GEORGE: Really? Coco?

CINDY: Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right.

(Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom.)

GEORGE: You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.

JERRY: Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.

GEORGE: Say good-bye to Koko.

(George leaves as Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Good-bye, Koko.

KRAMER: Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.

JERRY: Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you!

(Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns.)

CINDY: What was that?

JERRY: I didn't hear anything.

CINDY: All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?

JERRY: Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit.

CINDY: No. My money.

JERRY: For what?

CINDY: For my maid services. You booked me for today.

JERRY: But you didn't really do any work.

CINDY: I made the bed.

JERRY: But you took a nap in it.

CINDY: So?

JERRY: I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.

CINDY: No. That was the maid.

JERRY: Well, who took the nap?

CINDY: The girlfriend.

JERRY: $40 seems kind of steep for a nap.

CINDY: So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?

JERRY: Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.

CINDY: You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid.

JERRY: So is this a breakup/quitting?

CINDY: Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.

(Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment.)

JERRY: Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!

 

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY]

PHONE MAN: Sign here.

ELAINE: Yes! 212.

(Elaine and the phone man.)

ELAINE: Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time?

PHONE MAN: Oh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job and never came back. Nobody knows what happened.

(The phone man leaves and the phone rings.)

ELAINE: All right! I am back in the game.

(She picks up the phone.)

ELAINE: Hello?

BOY: Gammy!

ELAINE: No. You got the wrong number, kid.

BOY: Gammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called?

ELAINE: Oh...nuts.

BOY: Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?

ELAINE: No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship.)

JERRY: So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?

ELAINE: Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?

JERRY: Miss.

ELAINE: He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.

JERRY: I wouldn't worry about it. B-6?

ELAINE: Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.

JERRY: Elaine...

(Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The phone rings and Jerry answers.)



[JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH]

JERRY: Hello?

COMPUTER VOICE: You have a collect call from--

KRAMER: Hey, buddy, don't say no!

JERRY: I accept.

KRAMER: I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."

JERRY: Well, what happened?

(Elaine gets up and leaves.)

KRAMER: I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.

JERRY: What's around you?

KRAMER: I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?

JERRY: Is it Famous Ray's?

KRAMER: No. It's Original Ray's.

JERRY: Famous Original Ray's?

KRAMER: It's just Original, Jerry!

JERRY: Well, what street are you on?

KRAMER: Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

JERRY: Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!

KRAMER: Aah!

(Jerry leaves.)



[EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT]

(Jerry finds a man waiting by his car.)

MAN: You Steinfeld?

JERRY: Yeah.

MAN: My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place.

JERRY: Cindy.

MAN: She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay.

JERRY: You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do.

MAN: Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter--

JERRY: Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.

MAN: You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?

JERRY: What?

MAN: Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.

JERRY: I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.

MAN: Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes.

 

[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Elaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's on the phone.)

ELAINE: Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.

(Bobby dials 911.)

BOBBY: 9-1-1.



[EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT]

(Jerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on the sidewalk.)

JERRY: Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.

CINDY: What do you want?

JERRY: Here. I got your money.

CINDY: I don't want any money from you.

JERRY: Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya.

(A police cruiser pulls up with lights on.)

POLICE: Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie?

JERRY: Well, this is all very sophisticated.



[INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Elaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding on the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run in.)

FIREMAN: All right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it!

ELAINE: Aah!

 

[EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT]

(Kramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls up. It's Maxwell.)

MAXWELL: Hey, you look a little lost. You from around here?

KRAMER: Uh, no.

MAXWELL: You know where you're going?

KRAMER: Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is.

MAXWELL: Doesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money?

KRAMER: Uh, no.

MAXWELL: You wanna make some?

KRAMER: Ok.

MAXWELL: Do you know how to use a mop wringer?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.

MAXWELL: Why don't you get in the car?

(Kramer hops in.)

KRAMER: Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats.

(The two drive off.)



[INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT]

KRUGER: Hey, Koko, Who's this?

(Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George is standing introducing the newest employee.)

GEORGE: This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.

KRUGER: So you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people?

GEORGE: Yes?

KRUGER: Ok, good enough for me, Koko.

(George sits down.)

KRUGER: Ahem. Now, what's your name?

COCO: My name is Coco. Coco Higgins.

GEORGE: Coco?

KRUGER: We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George.

GEORGE: Well, it was a hell of a ride.

KRUGER: All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off?

COCO: When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ--

GEORGE: Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.

COCO: What did you say about my Gammy?

GEORGE: Forget Gammy.

KRUGER: Who's Gammy?

GEORGE: There's no Gammy.

KRUGER: Maybe there should be a Gammy.

GEORGE: Oh, no.

KRUGER: George.

ALL (chanting): Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!

GEORGE: Gammy's gettin' upset!


The End

Episode 174 - The Frogger
pc: 918 season 9, episode 18
Broadcast date: April 23, 1998

Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
Story by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin and Steve Koren & Dan O'Keefe
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Julia Campbell ...................... Lisi
Peter Stormare .................... Slippery Pete
Reuven Bar ......................... Shlomo
Sam Shamshak .................... Sal
Wayne Wilderson ............... Walter
Mark Daniel Cade ............... Other Walter
Jack Esformes ..................... Mike
Melissa Denton ................... Kobe
Oliver Muirhead ................. Lubeck
Drake Bell ........................... Kenny
rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman

==================================================================

[INT. J. PETERMAN LUNCHROOM - DAY]

(Elaine and several co-workers stand around a table which has a cake sitting on it.)

ALL (singing): Happy birthday to you.

WALTER: Thanks.

(Everyone claps.)

FEMALE WORKER: Elaine, cake?

ELAINE: Uh, no, thanks.

FEMALE WORKER: It's Walter's special day.

ELAINE: You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day.

(Elaine takes a piece of cake and makes her way to the door, but is stopped as a male worker carrying a cake enters.)

MALE WORKER: Elaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's last day. We have to celebrate.

ELAINE: It's his birthday and it's his last day?

MALE WORKER: This is other-Walter, from returns.

(Other-Walter enters followed by more co-workers.)

OTHER-WALTER: Hey, what's going on here?

ALL: Surprise!

OTHER-WALTER: Oh guys.

(Elaine tries to leave, but other-Walter stops her.)

OTHER-WALTER: Elaine, it's my last day. Have a piece.

ELAINE: All right, pile it on.

ALL (singing, competing): For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny...

(Elaine looks on frustrated.)



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(Jerry and Elaine stand in front of his stereo.)

JERRY: What is so bad about having a little piece of cake?

ELAINE: It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends?

JERRY: Why aren't you there now?

ELAINE: I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her.

(They sit on the sofa.)

JERRY: You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness.

ELAINE: Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..

JERRY: Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza?

ELAINE: Your old high school hangout? Why?

JERRY: They're closing. We're going for one last slice.

(Kramer barges through the door holding a roll of yellow police tape.)

KRAMER: Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that.

(Jerry walks towards the counter where Kramer has placed some of the tape.)

KRAMER: Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.

JERRY: Where did you get this?

KRAMER: Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.

JERRY: You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?

KRAMER: They want to know why they never see you.

(Kramer ties a piece of tape around a banana.)

KRAMER: I'm gonna eat that later.

JERRY: So they just gave you this?

KRAMER: Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya.

ELAINE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper?

KRAMER: Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off.

JERRY: How come I haven't read about this?

KRAMER: Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name.

ELAINE: Really? What're the other titles?

KRAMER: Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad.

JERRY: Son of dad?

KRAMER: Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall.




[INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY]

GEORGE: Mario's Pizza.

(George and Jerry admire their former hang out. Mario, an elder man, stands behind the counter.)

GEORGE: Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us?

MARIO: No.

JERRY: We used to come in every day.

MARIO: So where ya been? We're tanking here.

GEORGE: We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.

MARIO: Oh, thanks. That'll save us.

JERRY: All right, make it the large sodas.

(George and Jerry walk across the room.)

GEORGE: Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life.

(They walk over to watch a boy playing Frogger.)

JERRY: Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game.

GEORGE: Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it!

(The boy loses.)

BOY: Thanks a lot.

GEORGE: Ah, beat it, punk.

(The boy exits.)

JERRY: Hey, look at the high score--"G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?

GEORGE: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.

JERRY: I remember that night.

GEORGE: The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...

MARIO: Here's your pizza pea brains.

JERRY: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.

GEORGE: Yeah.



[INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Elaine is sitting at her desk smelling a pen.)

ELAINE (thinking): This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school?

(There's a knock on the door and several co-workers enter with a cake.)

ELAINE: What is this?

MALE WORKER: You were out sick yesterday, so we got you a get-well cake.

FEMALE WORKER: It's carrot. It's good for you.

WORKERS (singing): Get well get well soon, we wish you to get--

ELAINE: Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day?

MALE WORKER: I think it's nice.

ELAINE: What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office!

(Another worker enters late.)

WORKER (singing): Get well, get well soon--

MALE WORKER: It's not happening.

(They all start to leave disappointed.)

BECKY: Can we still it eat?



[INT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT]

(Jerry and Lisi sit at the usual booth.)

JERRY: I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to--

LISI: End under water?

JERRY: Be that long. I mean, most action movies are--

LISI: So much more violent.

JERRY: Not as long.

LISI: Well, I should probably--

JERRY: Get going.

LISI: Yeah.

(They both stand.)

JERRY: Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you--

LISI: Eight tomorrow?

JERRY: Actually, that's--

LISI: What you were thinking.

JERRY: Right.

(Lisi leaves and Jerry goes to pay the cashier. George enters.)

GEORGE: Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to--

JERRY: Sure. (points at booth) How about this one?

(They both sit down at their booth.)

GEORGE: Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.

JERRY: Fabulous. See, now you're really do something.

GEORGE: So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger?

JERRY: Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.

GEORGE: You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!

(George gets up and leaves in a huff.)



[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

KRAMER: Well, more bad news Jerry.

(Kramer and Jerry are talking near the kitchen counter. George is sitting at the table on Jerry's cordless phone. An open phone book is in front of him.)

KRAMER: You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you.

JERRY: Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.

KRAMER: Not as many as there used to be.

GEORGE: No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello?

(Kramer peels and eats an orange.)

KRAMER: You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this.

JERRY: Another friend?

KRAMER: Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along.

GEORGE: Well, is he good, Kramer?

(George gets up and walks towards Kramer.)

KRAMER: Oh, he's the best...and the worst.

GEORGE: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.

KRAMER: Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete.

GEORGE: Slippery Pete?

KRAMER: Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about.

GEORGE: All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on!

(George grabs his coat and leaves the apartment. The phone rings. Jerry tries to get by Kramer.)

JERRY: Come on.

KRAMER: Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt.

(Jerry picks up the phone.)

JERRY: Hello?



[INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE/JERRY'S APARTMENT]

(Elaine is on the phone and is smelling her tape dispenser.)

ELAINE: So how's it going with my friend?

JERRY: She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.

(People can be heard singing "Happy Birthday" in the background of Elaine's office.)

JERRY: What is that?

ELAINE: Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush.

JERRY: So join in.

ELAINE: I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there.

JERRY: All right.

(Jerry hangs up and stands up to find some police tape around a broken egg on the floor.)

JERRY: Hey, wh-what--

KRAMER: Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful.

(Kramer leaves.)



[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Elaine knocks on the open door.)

ELAINE: Anybody here? Peterboy?

(No one answers. She runs over to Peterman's fridge, opens it, and takes out a box. She opens the box to find a cake.)

ELAINE: Ooh, it's a cake walk.

(She takes a bite of the cake. Outside in the hallway, Mr. Peterman can be heard singing.)

PETERMAN (singing): Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well.

(Elaine quickly puts the box back in the fridge. Mr. Peterman enters his office.)

PETERMAN: Ha ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness.

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, um--

PETERMAN: We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but--ooh--still a bastard. Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret?

ELAINE: No, sir, I can't.

PETERMAN: Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price--$29,000.



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT]

(Jerry and Lisi walk along.)

JERRY: Well Lisi, that was another-

LISI: Lovely evening.

JERRY: Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should--

LISI: Go for a hansom cab ride?

JERRY: Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live?

LISI: 84th street, right off Riverside Park.

JERRY: Riverside Park.

(Jerry grabs Lisi and turns around.)

LISI: I thought we were going--

JERRY: Back to my place. That's right.



[EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(George and Jerry are sitting on the sofa.)

GEORGE: So you slept with her?

JERRY: She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over.

GEORGE: And you automatically sleep with her?

JERRY: Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of--

GEORGE: Finished your thought.

(George gets up and walks over to the sink. Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Guess what I ate.

GEORGE: An ostrich burger.

ELAINE: No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.

JERRY: How'd it taste?

ELAINE: A little stale.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE (nudges Elaine with his elbow): So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman?

ELAINE (nudges George with her elbow): No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out.

GEORGE: You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.

(Jerry and Elaine start to walk from the counter towards the table.)

ELAINE: Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.

JERRY: Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place.

ELAINE: What is going on with you two?

JERRY: Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message.

GEORGE: What's that?

(Elaine opens up a paper bag and pulls out a cookie.)

ELAINE: 4:00 sugar fix.

JERRY: Well, I'm calling this off right now.

ELAINE: No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage.

JERRY: Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is.

ELAINE: Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break.

(Elaine bites the head of her gingerbread man.)



[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

ELAINE: Just a little off the side...

(Elaine is at Mr. Peterman's desk with the cake box.)

ELAINE: Well, no point in wasting $1,200.

(She eats a slice of the cake as fantasy waltz music starts to play. Elaine dances around the room talking to one of the sculptures in the room.)

ELAINE (thinking): Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell?

(She gets more cake.)



[INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY]

GEORGE: Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do.

(George, Kramer, Slippery Pete, and Shlomo sit at a booth.)

GEORGE: Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver.

SHLOMO: I don't know If I'm the best.

GEORGE: Oh...you're very good.

SHLOMO: Let's say "good."

GEORGE: Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone.

KRAMER: Lock and load.

SLIPPERY PETE: You think you can handle that, numb nuts?

KRAMER: All right, all right, come on, now.

SLIPPERY PETE: That was my mail-order bride.

KRAMER: Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her.

SLIPPERY PETE: It doesn't give you the right to make out with her.

KRAMER: You weren't even married yet.

GEORGE: All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past.

(George gets a napkin and starts to draw on it.)

GEORGE: Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza.

SHLOMO: So what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught?

GEORGE: What do you mean?

SLIPPERY PETE: We're stealing this thing, right?

GEORGE: No. I--I paid for it.

SLIPPERY PETE: I thought we were stealing it.

KRAMER: Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it.

GEORGE: We're not stealing it.

SHLOMO: I definitely thought we're stealing it.

GEORGE: All right, let's--let's focus. Can we get back to the plan?

SLIPPERY PETE: Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery?

GEORGE: Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.

SLIPPERY PETE: What's that?

GEORGE: The outlet?

SLIPPERY PETE: Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: That's where the electricity comes out.

SLIPPERT PETE: Oh, you mean the holes.

SHLOMO: Which one's the bathroom?

GEORGE: Uh, here.

SHLOMO: They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh.

GEORGE: The Frogger is here.

KRAMER: George, I thought that was the door.

SLIPPERY PETE: Where are all the pizza ovens?

SHLOMO: I thought the bathroom was here.



[INT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY]

(George, Shlomo, Slippery Pete, and Kramer are sitting in the same places as they were in the booth at Monk's, but this time they are around a table at Mario's.)

GEORGE: All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated.



[INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY]

ELAINE: I need to replace an antique piece of cake.

(Elaine is sitting at the counter with a Sotheby's auction book open in front of her.)

ELAINE: Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great.

(The waitress leaves and Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies?

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake.

ELAINE: Do any of these look close?

KRAMER: No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah.

ELAINE: Entenmann's? From the supermarket?

KRAMER: Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle.



[INT. LISI'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(There's a knock at the door. Lisi opens it. It's Jerry holding a baseball bat.)

JERRY: Hi, Lisi.

LISI: Hi, honey. Is that a bat?

JERRY: Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something.

LISI: So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart?

JERRY: Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk.

MONTAGE:

(Lisi is sitting at her couch while Jerry paces behind her.)

JERRY: Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that?

(Both Jerry and Lisi are on the couch. Jerry has his head in his hands.)

LISI: Then may I say something... without being interrupted?

(Lisi is in another room with the door closed. Jerry stands in the hallway and is talking to her through the door.)

JERRY: Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do.

(They are sitting on the couch again. Jerry nods at everything Lisi mumbles.)

LISI: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh...

(Now Jerry is sitting on the couch and Lisi is pacing behind him.)

LISI: Are you afraid to kiss me in public?

JERRY: Have we even been in public?

(Jerry is walking away from Lisi and she follows behind him.)

LISI: So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know.

(Lisi is crying and Jerry stands looking over her shoulder.)

JERRY: You are not dumb. Don't say that..

(They both sit around the coffee table eating beans.)

JERRY: These beans are pretty good.

LISI: 20 minutes.

(Now Jerry is in a room with the door shut. Lisi stands out in the hallway.)

JERRY: Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!

(Jerry opens the door.)

JERRY: Nice to meet ya!

(Jerry is lying on the couch while Lisi paces behind.)

LISI: Boy, did your mother do a number on you.

(Lisi is on the couch with Kleenex and Jerry stands on the other side of the couch.)

LISI: Fine. So it's over.

JERRY: Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it?

LISI: 9:30.

JERRY: We've been breaking up for 10 hours?

LISI: Good-bye, Jerry.

JERRY: Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day.

LISI: Out!



[EXT. LISI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]

(Jerry steps out of Lisi's building. He looks both ways cautiously before walking down the steps. Surprised, he sees a shadowy figure walking towards him holding something resembling a head in one hand and a knife in the other.)

JERRY: Lopper.

(He quickly runs back up to Lisi's building and yells into her intercom system.)

JERRY: Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything!

(She buzzes him up. Just as he walks into the building, we see the Lopper is actually Slippery Pete carrying a car battery by it's wires)



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(Jerry stands outside a boutique store when George arrives carrying rope.)

GEORGE: Jerry, you came for the big moment.

JERRY: No. I'm waiting for...

GEORGE: Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.

JERRY: Oh. Sounds great.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play.

JERRY: Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend.

GEORGE: Where?

(Lisi exits the boutique wearing a Dutch bonnet.)

LISI: Look what I found. I got one for you, too.

(She puts a Dutch hat on Jerry head.)

JERRY: Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster?

LISI: Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes.

(Lisi leaves.)

JERRY: A long, long weekend.

GEORGE: I hear thee.



[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Elaine has finished replacing the cake. She throws the empty Entenmann's box away. She's about to leave, but Mr. Peterman enters with another man.)

PETERMAN: Elaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck.

ELAINE: Oh, hello.

LUBECK: Charmed.

(Mr. Peterman gets the cake out of the fridge.)

PETERMAN: All right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family.

ELAINE: I guess I'll just--

PETERMAN: Oh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry.

(Lubeck inspects the cake.)

PETERMAN: All right, Lubeck. How much is she worth?

LUBECK: I'd say about 219.

PETERMAN: Ha ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you glorious titwillow. You just made me a profit of $190,000.

LUBECK: No, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.

PETERMAN: Do they have a castle at Windsor?

LUBECK: No. They have a display case at the end of the aisle.

PETERMAN: Oh, good lord.

LUBECK: You all right, Peterman? You look ill.

ELAINE (singing): Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well.



[EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY]

(George and Jerry see Kramer, Shlomo, and Slippery Pete standing outside Mario's Pizza. Slippery Pete is playing Frogger.)

GEORGE: What are you guys doing?

SHLOMO: Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him!

GEORGE: You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery.

SLIPPERY PETE: The batteries are fine. We've got...oh, god. only 3 minutes left.

GEORGE: Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria

KRAMER: George, they closed up.

GEORGE: I need an outlet!

SLIPPERY PETE: A what?

GEORGE: Holes! I need holes!

KRAMER: The pharmacy's still open.

GEORGE: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist.

(Shlomo and Slippery Pete go to the pharmacy.)

SLIPPERY PETE (to George): You owe me a quarter.

GEORGE (to Jerry): Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!

(Kramer ties the police tape to a tree and runs into traffic. He runs out of tape before he can get halfway.)

KRAMER: Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!

JERRY: Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across.

GEORGE: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.

JERRY: By yourself?

GEORGE: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

(George pushes the machine onto the street. From a view in the sky, we see him dodging cars, hopping back and forth into lanes of traffic. Frogger music and sound effects play.)

SHLOMO: He looks like a Frog.

SLIPPERY PETE: So do you.

(George makes it across just as a huge truck comes barreling down the street. George tries to get the Frogger onto the sidewalk, but can't. He futilely sticks his hand out trying to stop the truck which honks. George jumps out of the truck's way and onto the sidewalk as the Frogger is smashed.)

JERRY: Game over.



[INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY]

(Mr. Peterman sits in his chair behind his desk. Elaine knocks and enters.)

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir?

PETERMAN: Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham.

ELAINE: Ohh...

PETERMAN: Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine. But it also caught this.

(Mr. Peterman shows Elaine the tape of her waltzing around the room eating the cake.)

EALINE: Mr. Peterman, I, uh...

PETERMAN: Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still...with you?

ELAINE: Um...as far as I know.

PETERMAN: Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement?

ELAINE: Uh, I guess I hadn't--

PETERMAN: Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.


The End

Episode 173 - The Bookstore
pc: 917 season 9, episode 17
Broadcast date: April 9, 1998

Written by Spike Feresten
Story by Spike Feresten and Darin Henry & Marc Jaffe
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Jonathan Penner ................. Zach
Ted Rooney ........................ Crichton
John Gries ........................... Rusty
Sonya Eddy ........................ Rebecca DeMornay
Merrin Dungey ................... Cashier
Kevin Ruf ........................... Security Guard
Heather Morgan ................ Server
Lauren Bowles ................... Waitress
Mark Daniel Cade .............. Walter
Sloppy Joe .......................... Hobo Joe
rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman
rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld
rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld
rc: John O'Hurley ............... J. Peterman
rc: Len Lesser .................... Uncle Leo

==================================================================
[Setting: Bookstore]

(George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)

GEORGE: I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.

JERRY: First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody.

(Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a book)

KRAMER: Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..

JERRY: (Sarcastic) You better hurry.

GEORGE: I'm gonna hit the head.

KRAMER: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.

(George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in)

KRAMER: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.

JERRY: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?

KRAMER: (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.

JERRY: (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.

KRAMER: Oh? Who's Leo?

JERRY: Uncle Leo.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..

(Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)

JERRY: Did I just see that?!

KRAMER: (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, huh?



[Setting: The Annual Peterman Party]

(Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes up to her)

WALTER: (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to dance this year?

ELAINE: Maybe.. All over your face!

(A waiter serving food approaches Elaine)

WAITER: If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year.

(Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to Peterman giving a toast)

PETERMAN: My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and popping sounds. The music starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things started. (Grabs a female employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)

(Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down at Elaine's table)

ZACH: Hi, I'm Zach.

ELAINE: Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)



[Setting: Bookstore]

(George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him)

MANAGER: Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?

GEORGE: (Acting innocent) I'm all set.

MANAGER: (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?

GEORGE: (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to hear?



[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop)

GEORGE: They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.

GEORGE: They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!

JERRY: (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'?

GEORGE: I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-

JERRY: (Cutting him off) Thank you very much.

GEORGE: Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?

JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.

GEORGE: (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man!

(Elaine enters and sits down)

JERRY: Sleeping in the caragain?

ELAINE: Cocktail flu.

JERRY: (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..

GEORGE: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?

ELAINE: (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many..

GEORGE: You went home with him?

ELAINE: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!

JERRY: (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?

ELAINE: (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?

JERRY: (Confused) What's your position?

ELAINE: I am an associate.

GEORGE: Hey, me too.

(A waitress, passing their table, speaks up)

WAITRESS: Yeah, me too.

ELAINE: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.

GEORGE: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.

ELAINE: (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.

JERRY: (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.



[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having a conference at his table)

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?

KRAMER: (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten.

NEWMAN: (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way.

KRAMER: Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen!

JERRY: (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not.

KRAMER: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..

JERRY: (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.

NEWMAN: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!

JERRY: Yes, it can.

KRAMER: We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet!

NEWMAN: It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.

JERRY: So, who's gonna pull this thing?

(Kramer and Newman both look at eachother)

KRAMER: (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would.

NEWMAN: Yeah, but I though-

KRAMER: (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.

JERRY: (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?

KRAMER: (Brainstorming) What about the homeless?

NEWMAN: Can't we worry about them later?

KRAMER: (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.

NEWMAN: (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate knowledge of the street..

KRAMER: They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?!

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.



[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)

LEO: Jerry, hello! (Sits down)

JERRY: So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?

LEO: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.

JERRY: (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

LEO: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not.

JERRY: (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.

LEO: Why didn't ya say hello?

JERRY: Because you were too busy stealing a book.

LEO: (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.

JERRY: (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.

LEO: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

JERRY: Who, criminals?

LEO: Senior citizens. No big deal.

JERRY: You could get arrested.

LEO: Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?

JERRY: (Pleading) Leo..

LEO: Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.

JERRY: (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.

LEO: (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?!



[Setting: Peterman office building hallway]

ELAINE: (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank?

WALTER: Well..

ELAINE: "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell.

(Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making out with another co-worker)

ELAINE: (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh..

WALTER: (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach?

ELAINE: Yeah.

WALTER: Aren't you upset?

ELAINE: (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!



[Setting: NYC street]

(Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close by are three homeless guys in a line)

KRAMER: Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But you will have to be physically fit.

(One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle)

HOMELESS MAN: The government!

KRAMER: (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned upper body.

(Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt..

NEWMAN: Alright, who's first?

(The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him on the shoulder - dust flies into the air)

KRMAER: Hey.

NEWMAN: Name, please.

HOMELESS MAN: Rusty.

NEWMAN: (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.

KRAMER: (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No offence.

NEWMAN: (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what you've got! Ok? Ready, and go!

(Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw)

KRAMER: (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good form.

NEWMAN: (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money.

(They both notice that Rusty is not stopping)

KRAMER: Hey, what's he doin'?

NEWMAN: I think he stealing our rickshaw!

KRAMER: Well, then, he's out!

(Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing in line - alone)

HOMELESS MAN 2: (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!"



[Setting: Bookstore]

(Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return the book)

GEORGE: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.

CASHIER: (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.

GEORGE: Why not?

CASHIER: It's been flagged.

GEORGE: (Confused) Flagged?

CASHIER: It's been in the bathroom.

GEORGE: It says that on the computer?

CASHIER: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.

GEORGE: (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!

(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo stealing another book)

JERRY: (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting..

GUARD: Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?

JERRY: (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..

GAURD: (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond.

JERRY: '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?

GUARD: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm!

(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)

LEO: What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!

GUARD: You're under arrest.

JERRY: (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.

LEO: Jerry, you ratted me out?!

JERRY: (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?

LEO: Hello.



[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry is on the phone with his parents)

JERRY: Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.

HELEN: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.

JERRY: (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.

MORTY: She's got priors.

JERRY: (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?

HELEN: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.

MORTY: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.

JERRY: (Confused) What does that mean?

HELEN: Nobody pays for everyting.

JERRY: (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!

MORTY: Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick.

JERRY: Mom, you too?

HELEN: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

(Kramer and Newman both enter)

JERRY: Alright, I'll talk to you later.

KRAMER: (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted.

JERRY: (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.

KRAMER: (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.

NEWMAN: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.

(Newman and Kramer both go to leave)

JERRY: To the Idiotmobile!



[Setting: The Coffee shop]

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth)

JERRY: So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you?

ELAINE: That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office-

JERRY: (Butting in) Tina Turner?

ELAINE: (Accepting) Alright.

(George enters with his large art book)

GEORGE: Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town!

JERRY: Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?

GEORGE: I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.

JERRY: (Stern on George) Not underpants.

ELAINE: Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.

(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check)

JERRY: (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!

LEO: (Bitter) Jerry.

JERRY: (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past.

LEO: (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!

JERRY: (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!

(Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through it)

ELAINE: French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) Now, what is the problem with this book?

GEORGE: Nothing.

ELAINE: How much do you want for it?

GEORGE: You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.

(Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George at the booth)

JERRY: Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?

GEORGE: (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.

JERRY: (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.

ELAINE: (Confused) What is wrong with this book?

GEORGE: Simmer!

JERRY: That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and-

ELAINE: (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs to the bathroom to wash her hands)

GEORGE: (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?

JERRY: I don't read in the bathroom.

GEORGE: Well, aren't you something?



[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Peterman walks in)

PETERMAN: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.

ELAINE: (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.

PETERMAN: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?

ELAINE: (Confused) Love newton?

PETERMAN: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.

ELAINE: An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better!

PETERMAN: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.

ELAINE: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!

PETERMAN: Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his side.

ELAINE: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-

PETERMAN: (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.



[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]

(Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through his head while he's trying to sleep)

HELEN: It was a crime of passion.

LEO: If anyone betrays me, I never forget.

HELEN: He won't last a day in prison.

(Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison *NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie "Cape Fear")

LEO: (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, yelling out) Answer that damn phone!

(Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's ringing. He answers it)

JERRY: Hello?

ELAINE: Hey, it's me.

JERRY: Uncle Leo?

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?

JERRY: Nightmares. You?

ELAINE: My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.

ZACH: (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine!

ELAINE: Eat your soup!

JERRY: You're not feeding him, are you?

ELAINE: Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits again - this time into the bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta go.

(Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks in)

KRAMER: Hey, buddy.

JERRY: (Scared) Ah! Kramer!

KRAMER: I thought I heard you.

JERRY: Get out of here!

NEWMAN: (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.

JERRY: Will everybody please leave?!

NEWMAN: I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park.

KRAMER: Our rickshaw?

NEWMAN: It's entirely possible.

JERRY: I want everyone out!

KRAMER: (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.

NEWMAN: (To Jerry) Good night.

JERRY: (Bitter) Good night, Newman.



[Setting: Park]

(Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park)

NEWMAN: There it is!

KRAMER: Rusty!

RUSTY: Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job?

KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home.

NEWMAN: Uh..

KRAMER: What?

NEWMAN: You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.

KRAMER: Yes, that's true.

NEWMAN: So, which one of us is gonna pull?

KRAMER: Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..

NEWMAN: (Realizing he won) Yeah.

KRAMER: Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot..

(Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling)

NEMWAN: Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling!



[Setting: A homeless charity center]

(Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes across Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine about her muffin stumps in episode "The Muffin Tops")

REBECCA: (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this to charity?

GEORGE: Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.

REBECCA: What's the value of the book?

GEORGE: Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney.

REBECCA: (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay.

GEORGE: Oh.

REBECCA: (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) This book has been in the bathroom.

GEORGE: (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's rediculous.

REBECCA: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!

GEORGE: (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal?

REBECCA: Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!

GEORGE: I could take it in merchandise..

REBECCA: (Threatening to hit him) Here I come..

(George grabs his book and runs for his life)



[Setting: Bookstore]

(Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking with the cashier while checking out a book)

ELAINE: So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?

CASHIER: Yeah.

ELAINE: Great.

JERRY: (To Elaine) So, the worst is over?

ELAINE: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.

JERRY: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.

ELAIEN: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho.

(She's through buying the book, and is ready to go)

ELAINE: (Leaving Jerry) See ya.

JERRY: (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please.



[Setting: NYC Street]

(Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer)

NEWMAN: Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!

KRAMER: (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking a rest)

NEWMAN: Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is.

KRAMER: (Stretching) Oh..

(The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill)

NEWMAN: (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!

(The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes an attempt to chase it)

KRAMER: Woah! Wait!

NEWMAN: Ahhh! Yaaaahhh!

(Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street)

ZACH: (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life!

(Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill)

NEWMAN: Waaaaahhhh!

(Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street, Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts walking, then running away from the crushed rickshaw)



[Setting: Bookstore]

(Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George enter)

JERRY: George? What are you doin' here?

GEORGE: I can't sell the book. It's been marked.

JERRY: (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.

GEORGE: So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.

JERRY: (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?

GEORGE: I'm goin' in!

(George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks up to Jerry)

MANAGER: Did you want to speak with the manager?

JERRY: Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..

MANAGER: Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.

JERRY: (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal.

MANAGER: That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone.

JERRY: So it could be anyone?

MANAGER: I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act.

(Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat - and is trying to act innocent)

JERRY: That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!

(George is instantly surrounded by guards)

GEORGE: No! Jerry!


The End

Episode 172 - The Burning
pc: 916 season 9, episode 16
Broadcast date: March 19, 1998

Written by Jennifer Crittenden
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Daniel Von Bargen ............... Kruger
Cindy Ambuehl .................... Sophie
Henry Woronicz .................. Father Curtis
Ursaline Bryant .................... Dr. Wexler
Daniel Dae Kim .................... Student #1
Alex Craig Mann .................. Student #2
Brian Posehn ....................... Artie
Alec Holland ........................ Co-Worker #1
Suli McCullough ................... Co-Worker #2
rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy
rc: Danny Woodburn ........... Mickey Abbott

==================================================================

[Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her last minute instructions.]

PUDDY: Alright, be careful with the car, babe.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah.

PUDDY: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.

ELAINE: Goodbye?

PUDDY: Two and ten, babe.

ELAINE: Okay.

PUDDY: Don't peel out.

ELAINE: I won't.

(Elaine peels out and turns on the car stereo. She hears: "Jesus is one, Jesus is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations but all of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said unto Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns off the radio.)

ELAINE: Jesus?



[Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking.]

KRUGER: According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?

GEORGE: Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.

KRUGER: Works for me. Good thinking, George.

CO-WORKER #1: Alright, George.

CO-WORKER #2: Way to go man.

GEORGE: Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."

KRUGER: Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real.

CO-WORKER #1: Good one.

CO-WORKER #2: That was bad.



[George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.]

GEORGE: I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.

JERRY: And then?

GEORGE: I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.

JERRY: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.

GEORGE: I can't just leave.

JERRY: That's the way they do it in Vegas.

GEORGE: You never played Vegas.

JERRY: I hear things.

(Elaine enters and has a seat.)

ELAINE: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.

GEORGE: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.

ELAINE: So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?

JERRY: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.

ELAINE: Yes, he is lazy.

JERRY: Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.

ELAINE: Yes, he is dumb.

JERRY: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?

ELAINE: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

GEORGE: Tell you how you could check.

ELAINE: How?

GEORGE: Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo.

JERRY: No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's.

GEORGE: No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.

JERRY: Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her.

GEORGE: Well that's the gist of it!

ELAINE: Quiet! So where is this Sophie?

JERRY: Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.

ELAINE: How long have you two been together?

JERRY: I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?

ELAINE & GEORGE: Nah.

(Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register.)

GEORGE: By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?

ELAINE: I needed to move a bureau.



[Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment.]

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?

MICKEY: Hey Jerry.

JERRY: Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.

KRAMER: Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should sound like that, something like that.

MICKEY: Aah-choo.

KRAMER: A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.

JERRY: What's with the fake sneezing?

KRAMER: Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors to help the students practice diagnosing.

MICKEY: They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's an easy gig.

JERRY: Do medical schools actually do this?

KRAMER: Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching.

KRAMER & MICKEY: HUAAHHH!!

JERRY: I think the phone is ringing.

KRAMER & MICKEY: HUAAHHH!!

JERRY: Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff?

KRAMER: Mickey, DTs.

(Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone.)

JERRY: Hello?

SOPHIE: Hey. It's me.

JERRY: Elaine?

SOPHIE: No, it's me.

JERRY: George??

SOPHIE: Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice.

JERRY: Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: You got any Ipecac?

JERRY: Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this.

KRAMER: No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.

JERRY: Did he overdose?

KRAMER: No, it's just too much.



[Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.]

KRUGER: ...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of a softball, and that spells trouble.

GEORGE: Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?

(Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter.)

GEORGE: (getting up and leaving) Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody.



[Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes to a group of people, Mickey and Kramer included.]

DR. WEXLER: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.

MICKEY: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!

KRAMER: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?

MICKEY: Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions, it's got everything.

KRAMER (to the man beside him) Howbout you, do you wanna trade?

MAN: Sure.

KRAMER: Okay, what do you got?

MAN: The surgeon left a sponge inside me.

KRAMER: Good luck with that.



[George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.]

GEORGE: I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.

JERRY: What did you do the rest of the day?

GEORGE: I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right?

JERRY: And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hello boys.

GEORGE: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?

ELAINE: I did.

GEORGE: And the Christian rock?

ELAINE: Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!

GEORGE: Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?

JERRY: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?

ELAINE: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled.

GEORGE: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.

JERRY: I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.

ELAINE: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?

JERRY: I thought so.

ELAINE: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".

GEORGE: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Well, I got gonorrhea.

ELAINE: That seems about right.

KRAMER: That's what they gave me.

GEORGE: They? The Government?

JERRY: No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.

KRAMER: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.

GEORGE: I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.

(The other three start laughing.)

GEORGE: (leaving) Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody.

ELAINE: What was that?

JERRY: Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note.

KRAMER: See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.

JERRY: Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.

KRAMER: Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves.



[Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med students.]

STUDENT #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?

KRAMER: Just a little burning during urination.

STUDENT #1: Okay, any other pain?

KRAMER: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.

STUDENT #1: Gonorrhea?!

KRAMER: Gonorrhea!

(The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up the lights and Kramer takes a bow.)



[Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking his phone messages.]

JERRY: One message. Hope it's not from you.

ANSWERING MACHINE: "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."

JERRY: Sophie.

GEORGE: She's still doing that?

JERRY: Yep.

GEORGE: Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.

JERRY: I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander".

GEORGE: What the hell is a gander, anyway?

JERRY: (picking up the phone and dialing) It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.

SOPHIE: Hey Raef.

JERRY: (to George) She thinks it's someone named Raef.

GEORGE: Good, let her think it.

JERRY: (into the phone, with a disguised voice) So, what's going on?

SOPHIE: Not a lot.

GEORGE: Ask about you, ask about you.

JERRY: So, uh, how are things with Jerry?

SOPHIE: Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor story.

JERRY: Right, right, the tractor story.

SOPHIE: Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny.

JERRY: I sound funny?

GEORGE: Abort! Abort!

JERRY: Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that?

GEORGE: That was very real.

JERRY: She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.

GEORGE: Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?

JERRY: Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?



[Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.]

ELAINE: So where do you wanna eat?

PUDDY: Feels like an Arby's night.

ELAINE: Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?

PUDDY: Yes.

ELAINE: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?

PUDDY: That's right.

ELAINE: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?

PUDDY: Not for me.

ELAINE: Why not?

PUDDY: I'm not the one going to hell.



[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.]

GEORGE: You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.

JERRY: No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.

GEORGE: Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?

JERRY: No, she looks completely normal.

GEORGE: Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.

JERRY: You think she's got toes for thumbs?

GEORGE: How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Hands a little smelly?

JERRY: Why do I seek your counsel?

(Elaine walks in.)

ELAINE: Well I'm going to hell.

JERRY: That seems about right.

ELAINE: According to Puddy.

JERRY: Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and--

ELAINE: I'm not in the mood.

GEORGE: (To a passing waitress) I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.

JERRY: What do you care? You don't believe in hell.

ELAINE: I know, but he does.

JERRY: So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.

ELAINE: Well, relationships are very important to me.

JERRY: Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.

GEORGE: (to the waitress bringing his doughnut) And a slice of devil's food cake.



[Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger.]

GEORGE: Hey. Where is everyone?

KRUGER: They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you are my main man.

GEORGE: I am?

KRUGER: I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but lately you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.

GEORGE: This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and folders.

KRUGER: Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started.

GEORGE: Okay.

KRUGER: George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair) Three times around, no feet.

GEORGE: And?

KRUGER: All me.



[Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai.]

DR. WEXLER: Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. Kramer, you were excellent.

KRAMER: Oh, thank you.

MICKEY: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up! What did you get?

KRAMER: Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had gonorrhea last week.

DR. WEXLER: Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.

KRAMER: I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.



[Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess.]

SOPHIE: I move my knight... here. Check.

JERRY: They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor.

SOPHIE: Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?

JERRY: Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm.

SOPHIE: Bought the farm?

JERRY: Tractor!

SOPHIE: This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.

JERRY: Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.

(Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up, Jerry nods knowingly.)



[Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.]

GEORGE: A scar?

JERRY: A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?

GEORGE: A tractor.

JERRY: I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it.

GEORGE: I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs.

JERRY: She doesn't have toe thumbs.

GEORGE: Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--

JERRY: Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?

GEORGE: Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with sleep creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, George sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe this. This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? Who said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?

KRUGER: I'm not too worried about it.

GEORGE: Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I put in your shoebox?

KRUGER: Alright, alright I'm going.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?

JERRY: Never.



[Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe. There's a newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's.]

PUDDY: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just grab that one.

ELAINE: 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.

PUDDY: C'mon, get it.

ELAINE: Well if you want it, you get it.

PUDDY: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.

ELAINE: Oh, but it's ok for me?

PUDDY: What do you care, you know where you're going.

ELAINE: Alright, that is it! I can't live like this.

PUDDY: Nah.

ELAINE: C'mon.

PUDDY: Alright, what did I do?

ELAINE: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?

PUDDY: Gonna be rough.

ELAINE: Uh, you should be trying to save me!

PUDDY: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.

ELAINE: I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.

PUDDY: You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?

ELAINE: Yeah, that's right!

(Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised as 'horns' and she emits a gutteral growling sound.)



[Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing his part.]

MICKEY: Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?

DR. WEXLER: Mr. Kramer? You're up.

(Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow.)

MICKEY: Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?

KRAMER: Well, we'll see.

STUDENT #2: So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?

KRAMER: (pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket) Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.

MICKEY: Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.

(They fall to the floor, wrestling.)

STUDENT #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?



[Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis.]

FATHER CURTIS: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.

ELAINE & PUDDY: Yeah, that's right.

FATHER CURTIS: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have difficulty--

ELAINE (Interrupting) Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here.

FATHER CURTIS: You aren't?

PUDDY: No.

ELAINE: We're just, you know, having a good time.

FATHER CURTIS: Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.

PUDDY: No way, this is bogus, man!

ELAINE: Well, thank you father.

FATHER CURTIS: Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talkng to the devil by the coffee machine?

PUDDY: I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell.

ELAINE: Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.

(Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in her apartment and Father Curtis joins in.)



[Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment.]

SOPHIE: You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.

JERRY: Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it.

SOPHIE: How could you know?

JERRY: (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to Sopie's) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship.

(Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument.)

KRAMER: ...I didn't say that, no.

MICKEY: You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me!

KRAMER: Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.

JERRY: Hey, hey! I'm with someone.

KRAMER: Oh. Hello.

SOPHIE: No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.

KRAMER: (to Mickey) You know? She's right.

SOPHIE: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.

JERRY: You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story??

KRAMER: You can't get it from that.

SOPHIE: But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.

JERRY: (walking out) Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.



[Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is working, Mr. Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George is percolating.]

GEORGE: Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?

KRUGER: You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it.

GEORGE: No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-uger!

KRUGER: K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? K-uger! K-uger!

GEORGE: Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!

KRUGER: (getting up to leave) Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me.

GEORGE: Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!

KRUGER: It's K-uger!

GEORGE: No! No!

KRUGER: Goodnight everybody!


The End

Dedication: In memory of our friend, Lloyd Bridges.

Episode 171 - The Wizard
pc: 915 season 9, episode 15
Broadcast date: February 26, 1998

Written by Steve Lookner
Directed by Andy Ackerman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest Stars:

Grace Zabriskie ................... Mrs. Ross
Warren Frost ...................... Mr. (Henry) Ross
Samuel Bliss Cooper ............ Darryl
Edgar Small ......................... Sid Luckman
Vic Helford ......................... Tom
Michael McShane ................. FDR (Franklin Delano Romanosky)
Bahni Turpin ....................... Waitress #1
Constance Zimmer .............. Waitress #2
Jeanette Miller ..................... Old Woman
Murray Rubin ...................... Rubin
rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld
rc: Barney Martin ................ Morty Seinfeld

==================================================================

[Monk's]

GEORGE: When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner? (seeing Jerry with a small black device) What's that?

JERRY: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday.

GEORGE: How much was it?

JERRY: Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal.

GEORGE: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

JERRY: Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.

GEORGE: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.

JERRY: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them?

GEORGE: At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.

JERRY: Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly.

ELAINE: (entering Monk's with her boyfriend) Oh, um... Darryl. These are... people I know. Jerry, George.

DARRYL: Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, Elaine. I'll see you later.

ELAINE: OK.

JERRY: Still no Puddy?

ELAINE: Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think?

JERRY: What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal?

ELAINE: What black guy?

JERRY: Darryl. He's black, isn't he?

ELAINE: He is?

GEORGE: No, he isn't.

JERRY: Isn't he, Elaine?

ELAINE: You think?

GEORGE: I thought he looked Irish.

JERRY: What's his last name?

ELAINE: Nelson.

GEORGE: That's not Irish.

JERRY: I think he's black.

GEORGE: Should we be talkin' about this?

ELAINE: I think it's OK.

GEORGE: No, it isn't.

JERRY: Why not?

GEORGE: Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here.

JERRY: If he's black.

ELAINE: Is he black?

JERRY: Does it matter?

ELAINE: No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.

JERRY: Oh, so you need to know?

ELAINE: No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew.

WAITRESS: Should I take that?

JERRY: (getting out his wallet) Uh, one second.

ELAINE: (looking in her purse) Oh, here.

GEORGE: (pulling out some money) Uh, yeah. Hang on. Just... yeah.

(when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly get out lots of money for her tip)



[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGE: (on the phone) Uh, Mrs. Ross? It's-it's George.

MRS. ROSS: Uh, who?

GEORGE: George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak.

MR. ROSS: (walking by Mrs. Ross) We're all out of lime juice. I told that woman to buy more.

MRS. ROSS: Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.

GEORGE: Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.

MR. ROSS: (again walking by) I'm goin' back to bed.

MRS. ROSS: Thank you for calling, George.

GEORGE: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go.

JERRY: House in the Hamptons?

GEORGE: Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

KRAMER: (enters) Well.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate.

JERRY: Wow. What are we celebrating?

KRAMER: Uh, you remember my coffee table book?

JERRY: With the little legs?

KRAMER: That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie.

GEORGE: How are they gonna make that book into a movie?

KRAMER: You remember that photo book on toy ray guns?

GEORGE: Yeah?

KRAMER: Independence Day?

GEORGE: Oh.

JERRY: How much are they payin' you?

KRAMER: Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.

JERRY: That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while.

KRAMER: Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.

JERRY: From what?

KRAMER: From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.

JERRY: (seeing that Kramer has a new watch) What's that?

KRAMER: Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold watch.

JERRY & GEORGE: Ooh!

KRAMER: Well, it's not really gold.

JERRY & GEORGE: Aww.



[Darryl's Apartment]

(approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music being played, and smiles knowingly)

ELAINE: (as Darryl opens his door) Hey.

DARRYL: Hey.

ELAINE: Great music.

DARRYL: Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that stuff twenty four hours a day. I hate it.

DARRYL: Yo, you! Turn it down!

ELAINE: Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural significance?

DARRYL: They're... African.

ELAINE: Right. African.

DARRYL: Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa.

ELAINE: South Africa.

DARRYL: My family used to live there, but, uh, we got out years ago, for obvious reasons. You know how it is.

ELAINE: Maybe.



[Street]

GEORGE: (to a street vender selling hot dogs) You must hate hot dogs, huh? Or else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this.

(the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe George not being in the Hamptons, and move on)

GEORGE: I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs all the time.

VENDER: Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not?

GEORGE: Mmm... no.



[Florida- Seinfeld Condo]

MORTY: (Jerry comes out of his room, having just woken up) Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!

JERRY: It's 5:30 in the morning!

HELEN: We let you sleep in.

JERRY: (handing his dad a gift) Well, as long as I'm up. Dad, I got you a birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.

MORTY: Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.

JERRY: What does that mean?

HELEN: Leave your father alone. It's his birthday.

MORTY: Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.

JERRY: Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer.

MORTY: This looks like too much money.

JERRY: Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks.

MORTY: You think it's hot?

JERRY: Could be.

MORTY: Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer!

HELEN: I'm right here.

JERRY: And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.

MORTY: So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip?

JERRY: Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.

MORTY: Helen, we got into restaurants and figure out the tips.

HELEN: Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.

KRAMER: (entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a neighbor) Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?

JERRY: Kramer, what are you doing here?

KRAMER: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.

HELEN: Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.

KRAMER: Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.

JERRY: Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die.

JERRY: (getting looks from his parents) Not you. Older people.

HELEN: Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How 'bout a feta cheese omelette?

KRAMER: Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.

JERRY: If you feed him, he'll never leave.

HELEN: We don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and Egg Beaters?

KRAMER: (immaturely) I guess.

JERRY: I can't believe this.

KRAMER: I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?



[Monk's]

ELAINE: So, George, do you have any thoughts on this Darryl situation?

GEORGE: Actually, I did have a thought.

ELAINE: Oh.

GEORGE: Why don't you just ask him?

ELAINE: (rudely and giving him a 'duh' look) Because, if I ask him, then it's like I really want to know.

GEORGE: Maybe he's, um... mixed.

ELAINE: Is that the right word?

GEORGE: I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin' about this.

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: (standing up) I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

ELAINE: (starting to leave) You know what, I'm leavin'.

GEORGE: Yeah.

ELAINE: I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back. (seeing the Rosses entering Monk's) Oh. Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.

MRS. ROSS: Oh, you're George's friend.

MR. ROSS: We saw him in the city this weekend. Uh, what happened to his place in the Hamptons?

ELAINE: (laughing uproariously) The Hamptons? George Costanza? I, uh... I don't think so. Have a good one.

GEORGE: Rosses.

MR. ROSS: George, we were just talking about you.

GEORGE: Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.

MRS. ROSS: Really?

GEORGE: Yeah, I may move out there. (getting 'yeah, right' glances from the Rosses) I mean it, I'll do it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!



[Florida- Restaurant]

MORTY: (eating lunch with Helen and Jerry) Another fine meal, and now for my Wizard tip calculator.

JERRY: Dad, it's got lots of other functions.

MORTY: Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. (trying to open it) I can't get it open.

(Jerry easily opens it)

HELEN: Yay! Jerry got it open.

MORTY: The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4% sound?

JERRY: (looking at the Wizard) Well, your tip is four dollars and thirty-six point six six six six cents.

MORTY: We'll round down.

HELEN: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.

JERRY: Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.

MORTY: I was never impeached! I resigned!

HELEN: Even so, the press would bury him!

JERRY: What press?

HELEN: The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze.

MORTY: Pinko Commie rag.



[Florida- clubhouse]

OLD MAN: (coming up to the three Seinfelds) Hey, Morty. Your boy here, he just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.

JERRY: She's fifty.

OLD MAN: You know what he's got? He's got charisma. That's my man.

KRAMER: All right, I'll see you guys.

OLD MAN: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah.

(Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right next to him, staring at his face)

KRAMER: (taping Morty's glasses) Morty, what're you lookin' at?

MORTY: I'll tell you what I'm looking at: the next condo president of Del Boca Vista, Phase Three.

KRAMER: Hmm.



[Darryl's Apartment]

DARRYL: Elaine, thank you for the Wizard!

(Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly)

DARRYL: Wow, it's got so many functions.

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is first. Warranty information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...

DARRYL: Well, I don't do that stuff.

ELAINE: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Um. Oh, here's one: race.

DARRYL: Isn't that optional?

ELAINE: It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business! But they really would like to know.

DARRYL: All right, I'm... Asian.

ELAINE: What?

DARRYL: Just to mess with 'em.

ELAINE: laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good one.

DARRYL: Average income, uh... over a hundred thousand.

ELAINE: Really?

DARRYL: Does that matter?

ELAINE: No, but... it is very nice to know.



[Florida- Seinfeld Condo]

JERRY: (in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine) So did you figure out Darryl's... you know.

ELAINE: (in Jerry's apartment) Ah, I've given up. So, now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way.

JERRY: (as Kramer walks by) You're a master of race relations.

ELAINE: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?

JERRY: Yeah, it's all my father's doing.

(Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry to hand him a magazine from the table)

JERRY: He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.

ELAINE: Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against?

JERRY: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

GEORGE: (entering Jerry's apartment) Jerry?

ELAINE: (to George) He's still down with his folks.

GEORGE: (to Elaine) What are you doin' here?

JERRY: (overhearing the other two: Elaine, Elaine--

ELAINE: (to George) I'm gettin' his mail.

JERRY: (overhearing the other two) Oh, no.

GEORGE: (to Elaine) He asked you to get the mail?

ELAINE: (to George) Mm-hmm.

GEORGE: (taking the phone from Elaine) Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?

JERRY: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.

ELAINE: (trying to understand what they're talking about) What?

GEORGE: What about the mail?

JERRY: This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George.

GEORGE: (hanging up) All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.



[Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: So, I ran into the Rosses again.

ELAINE: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?

GEORGE: From me.

ELAINE: What did you say?

GEORGE: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say?

ELAINE: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.

GEORGE: So, they knew? Those liars!

ELAINE: But you lied first.

GEORGE: Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying. You call them a liar!

ELAINE: Like you're a liar!

GEORGE: Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?

ELAINE: So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over.

GEORGE: Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.

ELAINE: Haven't you done enough to these people?

GEORGE: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

(Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression)



[Florida- Kramer Campaigning]

KRAMER: (to a room) Vote for Kramer. (to a man walking by) Cosmo Kramer. I'm running for condo president. I'd like your vote. Thanks. (to an old woman) Remember, ma'am, a vote for me, is a vote for Kramer.

OLD WOMAN: Will you cut my meat?

KRAMER: Gladly.



[Monk's]

WAITRESS: (to Darryl) Coffee?

DARRYL: Sure.

WAITRESS: (to Darryl) Are you black? Or should I bring some cream.

DARRYL: I'm black. (re-thinking) Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream. (seeing a couple gesturing towards him and Elaine) Did you hear that?

ELAINE: What?

DARRYL: God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple.

ELAINE: Interracial? Us?

DARRYL: Isn't that unbelievable!?

ELAINE: Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple. That is racism!

DARRYL: I don't feel like eating.

ELAINE: Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club.



[Outside the Ross']

GEORGE: So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons.

MRS. ROSS: Sounds grand.

GEORGE: Do you have your bathing suits?

MR. ROSS: It's March.

GEORGE: Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!



[Florida-Seinfeld Condo]

JERRY: (in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room) Hey, Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. (as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic sweatsuit) Dad, you look so different.

KRAMER: Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one... must walk among them.

MORTY: (coming into the hall) This is the home stretch. Tomorrow's the election!

KRAMER: Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m.

JERRY: You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner.

MORTY: Daily what?

HELEN: (coming into the condo) Have you read today's Boca Breeze?

KRAMER: (looking at the newsletter) Hey, look at that. Picture of me, huh? (reading out loud) Candidate Cosmo Kramer caught barefoot in clubhouse.

MORTY: Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you realize this is against the rules.

KRAMER: Well, I couldn't find my shoes.

JERRY: Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.

HELEN: Who wants hot chocolate?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah! Me.

MORTY: This is a huge scandal! We need damage control.

KRAMER: All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh?

JERRY: Wizards!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board.

JERRY: Kramer...

MORTY: There are twenty people on the board. Thank God you can get that deal.

KRAMER: Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what do we next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?

MORTY: (rushing to his bedroom) First, I need a nap.

HELEN: (running after him) Oh, I'll get your electric blanket!

JERRY: Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.

KRAMER: Well, what about your deal, huh?

JERRY: I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do?

KRAMER: Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy.

JERRY: Down here?

KRAMER: Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father.



[George's Car]

George, driving in the car with the Rosses) And that leads into the master bedroom.

MRS. ROSS: Tell us more.

GEORGE: You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium.

MR. ROSS: Another solarium?

GEORGE: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses, too?

MR. ROSS: What are their names?

GEORGE: Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving?

MRS. ROSS: Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy you a housewarming gift.

GEORGE: (chuckling to himself) Housewarming gift. (swerving the car to go to the antique stand) All right, we're taking it up a notch!



[Monk's]

WAITRESS: (handing Elaine a menu) Here you go.

ELAINE: (to the black waitress) Long day?

WAITRESS: Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.

ELAINE: I hear ya, Sister.

WAITRESS: Sister?

ELAINE: (as Darryl comes into Monk's) Yeah. It's OK. My boyfriend's black. Here he is. See?

DARRYL: Hi, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hey.

WAITRESS: He's black?

ELAINE: Yeah.

DARRYL: I'm black?

ELAINE: Aren't you?

WAITRESS: (leaving) I'll give you a couple minutes to decide.

DARRYL: What are you talking about?

ELAINE: You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.

DARRYL: We are. Because you're Hispanic.

ELAINE: I am?

DARRYL: Aren't you?

ELAINE: No. Why would you think that?

DARRYL: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.

ELAINE: That's because I thought you were black.

DARRYL: Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?

ELAINE: I don't think we should be talking about this.

DARRYL: So, what are you?

ELAINE: I'm white.

DARRYL: So, we're just a couple of white people?

ELAINE: I guess.

DARRYL: Oh.

ELAINE: Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?

DARRYL: (leaving with Elaine) Sure.



[Florida-Seinfeld Condo]

KRAMER: (having lunch with Jerry and his parents) Oh, well... I handed out all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.

JERRY: Aw.

MORTY: Congratulations, Mr. President.

KRAMER: Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.

OLD MAN: Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators?

MORTY: What are you talking about?

OLD MAN: It's overtipping. I just left five bucks for a BLT.

MORTY: This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.

JERRY: A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!

OLD MAN #2: Mine doesn't have a seven!

OLD MAN #3: I'm ruined!

MORTY: Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?

JERRY: Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars.

MORTY: You didn't have a deal?

JERRY: No deal. Not hot.

OLD MAN: Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished.

KRAMER: What?

OLD MAN: Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.

KRAMER: (getting up to leave) Well, the people have spoken. Well, that's it for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.

JERRY: Dad, I'm sorry.

MORTY: You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip calculator?!

JERRY: It does other things!



[Outside George's Car on a beach]

MR. ROSS: Where are we, George?

GEORGE: Almost there.

MR. ROSS: Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?

GEORGE: We, uh, we go on foot from here.

MR. ROSS: All right.

GEORGE: There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.

MR. ROSS: We know.

GEORGE: Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?

MRS. ROSS: We don't like you, George.

MR. ROSS: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.

GEORGE: Oh.

MR. ROSS: All right! Let's head back.


The End